Crucified -Jean X Reader

Gossip

You turned the shower off for the second time tonight, trying to wash away the actions of awhile ago. You cried your eyes out until you felt numb and emotionally exhausted.

"Your fucking pathetic" you whispered to yourself.

With all this how could you still feel a form of love for Erwin? The same question from before floated into your mind as you let out a sigh.

Why must you always want Erwin?

You couldn't seem to find the answer.

After preparing yourself for bed once again, you laid in your covers for 2 whole hours. Not an ounce of sleep in your system, Just restless exhaustion. You shoved your head under your pillow begging for the darkness to overtake you into sleep mode.

You just wanted to escape reality for a moment. You wanted to enter a dream just so you can finally begin to feel genuinely happy again.

 Finally shutting your eyes, you felt your brain betray you as it chose to replay that scene over in your head. The way Erwin rolled her name off his tongue brought great sickness to you. It felt like a stab right in the heart. How could it still be her, after all these years of you giving him all your undying love. You even went far for him and sacrificed your deepest and most sincere friendship by pushing Levi away. For him.. just for him..and only for him.

You shot up from your sleep as you heard muffled knocking from your office door. You felt warm tears on your cheeks. You lightly touched them surprised there were still some left in your system. You got up and made your way to your office door. You quickly wiped away the tears from your face and opened the door.

Your eyes widen in surprise to see Jean at your door. You offered him a smile.

"Hey Kirstein" 

Jean didn't respond he just gave you a smile. Taking a further look you noticed red stained eyes and cheeks that had tear stains. His hair looked like a ragged mess. Your brow lifted in concern at his state.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, just came to bring you the gossip like we promised." he said smiling at you.

You were about to ask him if he could wait till tomorrow to talk, but you knew you weren't going to bed anytime soon. Besides, you needed some company and by the looks of it Jean looked like he needed it too. Maybe the gossip might be interesting enough to keep your mind away from your current situation.

"Right, Come in" 

Jean made his way and quietly sat on your couch. You slumped back on the other end. 

"Well spill the beans. Whats the hot gossip?" you said trying to sound enthusiastic 

Jean looked at you. His eyes trembled and his lips quivered. You could see wetness glazing his eyes. You began sitting up straight starting to worry.

"Jean-"

"It was all a lie Y/N" He whispered.

Your brows furrowed not understanding. Your eyes widen as you see quite tears stream down his face. You've never seen Jean cry before and how you wished you've never seen him to begin with. He looked completely devastated. You ached at the sight of him.

"Mikasa..She used me..just to try to get Eren jealous" he said quietly

You took his hands and squeezed him trying to comfort him.

"Y/N..."

"Yeah?"

"I told her I love her" he mumbled

Your breathe hitched.

"I love her and it hurts." 

You pulled Jean into your chest as you pulled him into a tight hug. You can hear him quietly sobbing into your chest, wetting your night shirt. You held him as you softly caressed his hair trying to calm him down.

His pain hit too close to home. You knew the unbarring pain he was going through. The feeling of betrayal and the feeling of your words and feelings being considered utterly useless and meaningless. All the hard work Jean's put in his relationship was all for nothing. It was nothing but fake love.

"I'm sorry" you hear him hiccuped.

"Don't be sorry..."

 "Don't cry Pretty Boy. It's normal" 

You lifted his chin so he could look up at you. As his wet eyes met yours you flashed him a smile as you caressed his cheeks, wiping away his tears with both your thumbs.

"She may not love you, but you have the countless love of your friends. Don't let one girl put you down Pretty boy"

Jean hiccuped as he nodded his head. He digged his face back into your chest wanting to feel your warmth again. He felt safe in your arms. He wrapped his arms around you tightly not wanting to let go.

"Hey you know..I'm only letting you back in there because I said you're suppose to wait till the third date" you joked.

You can hear a muffled chuckled in your chest. A smile rose to Jeans face. He looked up at you.

"Right, I totally forgot about that" he lightly laughed.

"So how's utopia treating you?"

"No complaints here" he joked.

You smiled at him happy to see him calming down.

"I'm glad"

You let Jean lay on your chest as you played with his hair. Before you knew it he fell fast asleep with his arms wrapped around you as he snugged himself well into you. You couldn't help but smile down at the boy. He definitely deserved someone good for him.

You sat in silence as you thought about your situation. It was clearly no different than Jean, only the reasoning for the fake love was different. And as you drifted away in your thoughts, your answer finally appear.

It wasn't an answer that made you happy, but you knew it was the correct answer on why you always wanted Erwin. 

You casted your eyes down to the light snoring boy. If only he was like him.

Sighing, you placed your chin on top of Jean's head as you lightly wrapped your arms around him. His warmth and company bought you a feeling of comfort. You smiled as you closed your eyes.

Just two heart-broken people sleeping in each other's arms. Both in need of some company. 

Both in need of some love.

What a bittersweet moment.