Haikyuu Ship One Shots

MatsuHana

-Mattsun P.O.V-
(⚠️TW!: Implied su!c!de⚠️)

The apartment was silent. So silent. It has been for a while now, but for it to be so quiet on this day...

I stared out the window, looking down at people passing by. There were people laughing, people holding hands, people rushing through the streets with gifts balanced in their arms, children running around, kids being scolded by their parents.

Somehow, I can still remember the time when all this people-watching might've amused me. I can remember how it would entertain me. But now, it just seemed like a chore.

Everything seemed like a chore.

There was no more fun anywhere. I couldn't find joy in anything. Even today, on Christmas Eve, watching all of these lovely families go about their evening with their beautiful partners and children, happiness evaded me.

Admittedly, I was envious of them. All of these people beneath me look so joyous. They look as though they'd never had to experience true and pure sadness. Oh, to know how that felt.

I had to pry my eyes away from the window. It would do no good for me to just stare blankly at the passers. I'll let them be.

Sitting in the dim lights of my living room, I listening to the silence. A strange thing to do, I know. I never quite understood what people meant when they'd say that they've never heard anything quite as loud as silence before. But now I do. It's as if the quiet enhanced all of the little sounds around me. The sounds of the clock ticking, wind blowing outside, and a fly buzzing through the room was magnified. I could even hear my heartbeat as if it was someone rhythmically beating on a drum.

My gaze shifted down. I looked at my hands and clothes. I should probably shower, and change my clothes. I can't remember the last time I did either of those. But the thought of having to put all that effort into something so simple just seemed exhausting. Whatever. It can wait a few more days.

I sighed. As I searched for something to occupy my mind with, my eyes landed on the jacket hanging up on the coat rack. Before I could look away, my eyes started to sting. Tears welled up, threatening to spill over. Too late. This happens whenever I think of him.

The jacket had been sitting unused on the rack for a long time. I just couldn't bring myself to move it. Not even after... the funeral.

I hated thinking about that word. Funeral. It just made everything so real. No matter how much I push it out of my mind, I can't escape the fact that he's gone. I'll never see him again. He's never going to come home to me.

The tears escaped my eyes, streaming down my cheeks. I didn't try to stop them. I just let them flow.

The image of him in that jacket was forever burned into my memory. Even if I tried to forget it, I know it wouldn't work.

His brown-ish pink hair, that smug smile, those teasing eyes...

I felt my chest tighten. Grasping it with my hand, I squeezed my eyes shut. My breath caught. I tried to take deep breaths, but it didn't work. So I gave up trying to fight it. I let my head drop and buried my face in my hands, shaking as sobs tore out of my chest through my throat.

Gone. He's gone.

Some times hurt more than others. It always hurts, it just has moments where everything becomes so unbearably difficult to keep going on. This was one of those times.

I meekly looked up from my hands. Snot was running out of my nose. I glanced at the fridge, wondering if I should eat anything. It's been a few days since I've consumed anything, now that I thought about it. There was a holiday card from Oikawa and Iwaizumi clipped to the side by a magnet.

Those two... Outside of his family, they were the two people who were almost as torn as I was about what had happened. I remembered vividly how Oikawa bawled into Iwaizumi's chest at the funeral. Iwaizumi was doing his best to reassure him, but he was crying too. They had been sure to check up on me constantly, coming to see me at least once a week. But I knew that it hurt them to be in a place where there were so many things that reminded them of him.

God... I felt like such an idiot sometimes. I should've seen the signs. No, it's not that, I should've acted out when I recognized them. I saw that he was hurting. I saw how he stared at his medication in the morning, clearly deep in thought. I saw how the light in his eyes diminished with each passing day. But I did nothing, nothing to try and reach out to him or tell him I was there for him.

The guilt ate me up inside. If only I had talked to him, if only I had done better... Maybe he'd still be here. With me. Maybe we would've worked through what was going on. Maybe I could've saved him.

But I didn't.

And now, he's dead.

I dropped onto my knees, grabbing my hair by the fistful and sobbed, allowing the pain of my life to crash over me in powerful waves. Everything hurt. My head, my eyes, my chest, my throat.

Another dark thought popped into my head. One that told me that maybe if I did what he did, I'd be able to see him again. That even if I didn't want to, I deserved to do it to myself. And as much as I wanted to endorse myself in that thought, I ignored it.

In the note he had left, he told me that if I were to ever do what he did, he would never forgive me. So I couldn't do it.

But I wanted to. I wanted to so badly.

Looking up back outside at the dark, winter sky, I pictured his pained face looking down at me.

"Takahiro..." I cried. "Plea-please... come back..! I can't do this without y-you..! You're the only one I want... Please... I'm so-sorry! I still need you! Come b-back! Takahiro!"

But I knew that no matter how much I begged, no matter how much I prayed, I would never see him again.

And that's what hurt the most.

-

A/N
I said the chapters would be Christmas-related.
I never said fluffy.
Besides, I feel like shit, so I'm making people suffer with me.
Honestly idrc if this is poorly written, I just needed to write some angst :/

Word count: 1139