The connection

Chapter Thirty - I didn't mean to hurt you

Alex

My stomach was filled with butterflies as we pulled into the bowling alley. Why was I suddenly so nervous about going bowling?

"Maybe you're nervous about your hot date afterwards" Chase teased as she shot me a wink.

Damn I had to remember he could hear my thoughts again. I offered him a quick peck on the lips before replying "or maybe I'm just excited to kick your ass at bowling" I chuckled. He pulled me in for another kiss before we were distracted by a knocking on the car window.

"Come on love birds, everyone's here" 

Natalie. We both looked at each other with regret before un clipping our seatbelts and getting out of the car. Natalie wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze.

"Sorry to interrupt your make out session but I need to talk to you before the game" Natalie whispered as she pulled me to one side out of earshot of Chase.

"You sound serious, is something wrong?" I asked worriedly as I shot her a cautious glance.

"Josh is coming. I swear I had no idea he was going to be here, turns out Lucas invited him not realising it might be a bit awkward with you two" she offered me a look of sympathy as she spoke. 

"Oh" was all I could say. The last time I spoke to Josh I was a complete bitch to him, sure I had reason to be angry but I couldn't lay all the blame on him. He didn't force me into anything. I felt bad for how I'd treated him in this whole situation, using him to get over Chase. But if I told Chase that's how I felt then he would get jealous and think I had feelings for Josh.

I understand

My head shot around to glance in his direction as soon as I heard his voice in my head. An anguished look on his face but not a trace of anger. 

You need to talk to him, it's the right thing to do. He nodded at me and offered a small smile as he headed towards the door and disappeared inside. I drew my attention back to Natalie who was looking at me confused.

"I'll never understand whatever weird communication you guys have. You always seem to know what the other ones thinking" she joked. If only she knew the truth. 

"I should talk to Josh, clear the air" I nodded at her as she studied my face.

"If you're sure. I can come with you if you like?" 

"No, I think I need to do this alone. Do you know if he's inside yet?"

"Umm I think that's his car pulling in right now. I'll give you guys a minute as long as you're sure?" 

"Yeah I'm sure. Thank you Nat, I'll be in in a few"

I watched her head inside as I walked over towards Josh's parked car. He was still inside when I opened the passenger door and got in.

"Can we talk?" I asked shakily as I shut the door behind me, his blue eyes met mine with an unreadable expression.

I could feel the tension in the air as we sat awkwardly and stared at each other, his gaze not quite reaching my own. He was hurt and that my down to me.

"Josh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I"

"Yes you did" he snapped, cutting me off mid sentence. "You meant every word, you just feel bad that you finally admitted the truth"

His words cut through me like a knife. He was angry and upset and he had every right to be but he wasn't completely blameless in all this. He lied to me too.

"I never meant to hurt you, I was just upset that you lied" I pleaded with him as I reached for his hand. He snatched it away from me.

"I lied to protect you Alex. What you did was worse, you strung me along making me think you cared about me, making me think you wanted to be with me when all along it was a lie. You used me" he hit out against the steering wheel in frustration.

"I'm sorry" I sobbed as I looked away from him eyes full with shame. "I'm so sorry Josh...I really...am" I sniffled between sobs as I started to feel the familiar panic build up inside.

"Sorry isn't going to cut it this time Alex. You can't mess with peoples feelings like that" 

"....I....know....." I half panted as I felt the struggle for air in my chest. I rested my hand on the dashboard as if bracing myself for the inevitable.

"Shit Alex" I felt Josh take my hand and give me a gentle squeeze and he hit the button to wind down the windows. "Deep breathes Alex, just breathe" his tone was much calmer now.

I mimicked his breathes and rested my head back against the headrest as I felt the cold air against my cheek. I could feel my breathing start to ease and he loosened his grip on my hand. I snatched it back up and turned my head to look at him, his face full of concern. He was always there for me even when I didn't deserve him.

"Please forgive me, I need you" I whispered to him in a pleading tone.

He pulled me into the warmth of his chest and planted a kiss on top of my head "you hurt me Alex"

"I know" I sobbed into his chest

"I don't want to upset you but I think it will just be too hard for me to try and be friends with you when I want so much more" I tightened my grip on him slightly as I felt tears roll down my cheeks.

"But I can't imagine my life without you in it, you're one of my closest friends"

"I know. But this is what I need, I can't just prentend I don't have feelings for you. I need time so for now..." he pulled back and wiped the tears from my eyes "this is goodbye" 

He bent down and planted a kiss on my lips before I had time to process what was happening I realised I was kissing him back. I quickly pulled away "goodbye Josh" I whispered breathlessly before getting out of the car. I hurriedly wiped away at my face trying to banish any tears when I spotted a figure waiting by the door. His green eyes burned into me with a look of devastation making me stop dead in my tracks. I'd done it again, ruined everything.