The connection

Chapter twenty three - Mistakes and regret

Chase

I gripped onto the steering wheel knowing I shouldn't be here. It was too risky, I could be easily seen from the street but I just needed to know she was safe. When Chloe had told me she found Alex passed out in the bathroom I almost lost it. I wanted to end this thing then and there but I knew I'd come too far to that to be an option now. I watched her window for any sign of movement but all had been quiet since I arrived half an hour ago. I was tempted to knock on her door so I could see her with my own eyes but that wouldn't be fair to her. I cursed out loud to myself before turning the key and starting the engine. As I pulled away I passed a familiar car, Josh. He must be headed to see her. I was overcome with jealousy at the thought of him spending so much time with her when it should have been me but I knew he was only doing what I'd asked. I shook the thoughts from my head and sped off knowing I needed to get away before I changed my mind.

Alex

I was holed up in my room buried in homework when there was a gentle knock at my door.

"Come in" I called bringing my eyes away from the work in front of me. Josh entered my room his face full of concern.

"I got worried when I saw your text" he exclaimed as he came and sat next to me on the bed.

"I just had a headache that's all, nothing a couple of pills couldn't fix" I lied hoping he believed me. His goofy smile returned to his face as he looked at me.

"Sorry, guess I overreacted a bit racing over here" he chuckled to himself as he pushed his sweat covered hair off his brow.

"I mean you could of at least took a shower" I joked playfully shoving him.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I just wanted to make sure you were okay" his tone was more serious now as his gaze searched my face.

"I'm fine" I smiled back at him hoping it came across as genuine. I broke eye contact with him for a moment as I looked down at my books. He reached his hand to my chin pulling it back up to meet his gaze. We stared at each other for a moment before he brushed a hair behind my ear.

"I just needed to be sure" he breathed, his hand still on my face. I felt paralysed unable to pull away from him. As if in slow motion he moved closer to me so we were only inches apart, still looking into each other's eyes. It was as if I was hypnotised by his stare, I remained frozen as he covered my lips with his own and pulled me into a slow, gentle kiss. It took a moment to register that I was moving my mouth in response. Did I want this? My body had taken over and I felt myself pull him closer, deepening the kiss. My head was fuzzy but I tried my best to shut off my thoughts and just enjoy the moment. I led back on the bed, knocking my books to the floor and pulling him on top of me as he moved his hands to my top and began to trace his fingers along the hemline. I reached my hands beneath his t shirt, feeling the warmth of his body. It felt good to lose myself in him and just shut everything out. I sat up not breaking our kiss and pulled at his t shirt. He pulled away looking down at me breathlessly.
"Al, is this really want you want?" He panted as he searched my eyes for confirmation.
"Yes" was all I could manage before I continued to tug at his shirt, pulling it over his head. Our lips crashed together again as he pulled my own top up, breaking our kiss momentarily as he yanked it over my head. I moved my hands and fumbled with his shorts before he stood up and undid the zipper, slipping them off. This was really happening. Without taking his eyes off me he reached forward pushing my skirt up around my waist and grabbed my panties before sliding them down my legs. I reached for his boxers, pulling them down as he fumbled with the condom wrapper he'd pulled from his pocket. I pulled him back on top of me. Our kisses became more urgent and I could feel his hard length resting against me, I took the open packet from his hand and slid the condom over his hardened length causing him to let out a gasp of pleasure. He moved a hand to my hair and tugged it free dropping my hair tie to the floor. A sudden flash of Chase taking my hair down in the creek filled my mind and I was overwhelmed by the memory. I knew he'd always liked me with my hair down. Before I could overthink things I pushed him down switching our places so I was on top. I stared down into those piercing green eyes as I lowered myself onto him letting him fill me. I rocked back and forth slowly as his hands steadied on my hips. I grabbed a fistful of his dark messy hair and pulled at it knowing he liked it when I played rough.
"Easy there babe"
I came crashing back to reality at the sound of his voice and I looked down to see Josh's blonde waves in my hand. His blue eyes searched mine and panic spread across my face momentarily. He reached up for me taking note of my expression "baby what's wrong, we don't have to. We can stop" he worriedly stated as he gently pulled me from his lap but I pushed him back down covering his mouth with my own desperate for the illusion to come back. I moved more frantically picking up the pace hoping to find my release. He moved his hands to my chest giving my breasts a soft squeeze through the lace of my bra. I desperately wanted him to squeeze me tighter, I wanted him to touch me how Chase touched me. I could feel him start to tense up beneath me and leaned back slightly allowing him to take me deeper.
"Fuck Alex I'm going to come" he panted as I continued my torturous pace until I felt him fall apart beneath me. I let out a feigned cry of pleasure and then I sat there in shock afterwards  not sure what to do. He sat up concerned as he reached out to me. I felt him wrap a blanket around me and I pulled it right across my chest squeezing my eyes shut hoping this was all just a bad dream, I was frozen again unable to move.
"I'm so sorry Alex, I thought, I thought you" he sounded distraught and his worry snapped me out of my downward spiral.
"I did, I'm sorry Josh I thought I did. I guess I'm more messed up than we thought" I sobbed using the blanket to wipe the fresh tears that had formed in my eyes.
"Hey, shhh" he soothed pulling me into his chest "Alex I would have never let you go through with it if had known how upset it would make you" he breathed into me placing soft kisses on top of my head.
"No please Josh don't feel bad, I wanted to. I did I swear. I'm just feeling a bit emotional I guess" he brushed the tears away as he studied my face.
"I know it must be hard for you after everything you've been through lately. But Alex that was amazing for me. I'd hate to think you regretted it" his beautiful blue eyes searched mine for reassurance and I couldn't help but placate his worries.
"I don't. It was great for me too. It's just a lot right now that's all" I lied hating myself for deceiving him.
He shot me a huge smile and kissed me on the lips before standing up to retrieve his clothes.
I took the opportunity to grab my top and pulled it back over my head as I excused myself to the bathroom to freshen up.

Looking at my reflection in the mirror I felt sick. I'd just slept with Josh and I'd wished it was Chase. What was wrong with me, I was so fucked up.

Another few minutes to pull myself together and I'd freshened up and joined Josh back in the bedroom. I reached down to pick up my books from the floor and Josh reached to help me.
"Guess we got a bit carried away huh?" He smirked as I grabbed the books from him stuffing them back in my bag. I noticed the crinkled paper of Chases essay poke out and I had a sudden urge to read what it said. I knew better than to do that with Josh around so I pushed the thought to the back of my head for now.

"I should probably run home and grab a shower" he sighed regretfully looking at me "but I could come back after dinner if you like?" His eyes lit up as he said this.

"Natalie's coming over later, she wants my opinion on this dance stuff. Not that I can be much help but I'd hate to cancel on her when she's made such an effort to earn my trust again lately" I was secretly overjoyed at the excuse knowing it was the truth for once.

"No problem babe, I'll just drop by in the morning and pick you up for school if you like?"

"Yeah that sounds great" I replied as he bent down planting a kiss on my lips.

"See you tomorrow babe" he winked as he closed my door behind him and headed down the stairs.

I waited until I heard the front door shut and his car pull out of the drive before I reached into my bag and retrieve the paper. I closed my eyes, silently counting to ten in my head before taking a deep breath and scanning the pages.

Alexandra Morgan where do I begin, I never thought myself to be much of a romantic but this girl has me under her spell. Her beauty and innocence are captivating and I can honestly say that I've never felt the things she makes me feel. She makes me want to be better. She makes me feel alive, being with her is like breathing. It's just natural, the way things are meant to be. She's consumed me completely, the love I feel for her is incomparable to anything I've ever known or felt. I have an overwhelming need to protect her and keep her safe, she's precious. I'd do anything for her, be anything she needs, even if it kills me.

I tore my eyes away from the pages unable to read anymore. How could he have written this if he really loved Chloe more than me. How could he throw away what we had  if this is truly how he felt. Then it hit me so clearly I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. My eyes scanned the paper again looking for the words to confirm my own suspicions.

I have an overwhelming need to protect her and keep her safe, she's precious. I'd do anything for her, be anything she needs, even if it kills me.

He thought he was protecting me by leaving me. My mind flashed back to his broken face at the hospital as he beat himself up blaming himself for the attack. I thought I'd set him straight but now it all made sense. He didn't leave me because he loved Chloe. He left me because he thought he was keeping me safe.