[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[150.] Inside our inn room. [TW]

NOTE:

TRIGGER WARNING  for this chapter. 

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The brothers sat, and sulked, not talking, until the end of the journey. 

Arriving at the inn later that evening terrified Jiang Cheng, as it meant that he would need to share a bed with his husband, and right now he didn't quite know how to talk to him. He was even more upset, thinking that, in different circumstances, they could have slept in the master bedroom at Lotus Pier... His parents' bedroom... Did he really want to sleep in his dead parents' bedroom? 

Sandu Shengshou shuddered at the thought. No.

After a brief and depressing dinner, the two of them retired to a very small, but very warm room.

- You didn't eat at all, Jiang Wanyin...  -  Lan Huan said sadly.  –  You will need your strength for tomorrow.

- I can't... My stomach is in a ball...  -  he scoffed.

Lan Xichen's first reaction was to approach him and hug him, but he bit his lip and turned his back to him, moving to the small window and casting a glance at the moonlit narrow street beneath it.

Jiang Cheng shuddered, and started undressing and getting ready for bed. He would have appreciated his husband's help with this, as it was getting harder for him to reach some places now, like, for example, his feet  -  it was hard to bend over. 

He clenched his teeth and said nothing, getting into bed irritated, not knowing what over. Later, when Lan Xichen was sure that he had fallen asleep, he felt his warm hand caress his hair shyly, and he heard him whisper  "I miss you.",  but he had no energy to turn and talk to him, to tell him that he missed him too.

He lay very still, wondering what went wrong, feeling that it wasn't his fault and wondering why people blamed him. Of course, Zewu-Jun said nothing, but the very fact that he pulled away from him spoke volumes. He did his best to be quiet and let Lan Huan think that he was sleeping, but the silent tears were suffocating him in the end, and stifling his sobs made him breathless, and soon his pillow was all wet and his nose was running. 

He hated his life, his heart was so heavy.

- Wanyin...  -  Zewu-Jun murmured.

- Please, go back to sleep. Please.  –  he sniffed.

Lan Xichen was aching physically, listening to his sorrow in the dark room, yearning to hold him, console him. He was so small and helpless, defenseless, lying next to him in a bed that was too narrow for the two of them now; he was close, but immeasurably far too.

Very soon the sobs took over and the unstable bed was shaking as Jiang Cheng could not control himself and broke down completely. Zewu-Jun could not take it any more either, and, biting his lip, he just grabbed him and pulled him to himself just like so many times before  –  it broke his heart to even listen to all this in the dark.

- Oh, Zewu-Jun!  -  Jiang Wanyin whimpered miserably, too upset to say any more.

- My love... I'm here, my love...  -  he murmured, trying to calm him down.

He felt Jiang Cheng cling to him desperately, forcibly, sobbing awfully. He was caressing his hair, and massaging his back, just like before, kissing his forehead and brushing tears away.

- Forgive me...  -  Sandu Shengshou was slowly settling down, feeling better already because of the familiar touch.  –  I...

He tried to move away from the warm embrace, but Lan Huan did not let go. He mumbled, still sniffling:

- I thought you wanted to be alone, Zewu-Jun... I will... let you be...  -  he whispered weakly, feeling his eyes filling up with tears anew.

Lan Huan froze. What did this even mean?

- Alone?  –  he exclaimed, shocked.  –  Wanyin, do you even know.... Can you even guess how much I've missed you these last days?

- But I... I...  -  he stuttered, confused.  –  I thought you were... avoiding me... I...

Jiang Wanyin's heart was already pounding, but now he felt Lan Huan's hot breath on his face, and it got worse. He felt giddy just to listen to that voice... 

That voice was driving him crazy.

- Husband...Why would I be avoiding you... I am constantly craving for you... Or have you forgotten, Wanyin...?