[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[45.] Feed my fears. [TW]

Note:

TRIGGER WARNING  for panic attack/anxiety attack.

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Jiang Cheng felt very light-headed. The words he was listening to were intoxicating; it was as if he was listening to an incredible story about someone extraordinary. He had no memory of himself behaving like this; he remembered bits and pieces of the few times they had been together, but it was like sleepwalking, remembering dreams. It was strange, because Zewu-Jun looked and sounded like a different person too, so enamored with the lover he was describing.

***

He realized that he was afraid. Obviously, sex was easy for him now somehow. But after those few weak weeks were over  –  he would be left to his own devices, and what then? 

Would he have to start over again, from the very start? 

Would Zewu-Jun love him like that then, when he would be just himself? 

Was he in love with this passionate, amazing lover he was describing... or was he in love with him?

He stumbled back, getting off his husband's hips and sitting in the bed, breathing with difficulty –  the anxiety of those thoughts was suffocating him. 

His face most probably expressed all the fear and insecurity that were eating him up inside, because Lan Xichen crawled up to him and asked him, worried:

- Are you alright, kitten? Do you feel sick again, my poor love?

This tenderness broke him, it was too much, it was too good. Too good to be true. He hid his face in his hands and just broke down into heartbreaking sobs.

- Gods! Wanyin!  What is it?!  –  Lan Xichen cried, almost afraid to touch him  –  he was shaking, obviously very upset.

- Will you still love me when the month is over, Zewu-Jun?  –  he managed to utter finally. –  Or will we be sleeping on the different sides of the bed like before...  -  he asked bitterly.  –  Will you have the patience to wait for 3 months? Until your dream lover returns?

He curled into a ball, hugging his knees, desperate and weeping pitifully. Zewu-Jun was gaping, astonished  –  he had never before seen such sadness in his husband, it was nerve-wracking.

- You thought... Why... Wanyin, why?  –  he stuttered, too taken aback to know how to react.

Jiang Cheng just shook his head, the sobs were stifling him and he could not possibly speak. He clenched his teeth when he felt two strong arms wrap themselves around him, and tried to move away, but the grip on his body was too tight. 

Lan Xichen was whispering in his ear:

- Are my words to you empty, my love... Do my promises to you mean nothing now... How little must you know me, Sandu Shengshou, if you think that I will use you for a month, and then throw you out like trash...  Aren't we married, my darling? Aren't we going to be together for the rest of our lives? Why are you breaking my heart like that? How scared must you feel to think such thoughts, my little one... Wanyin...

Lan Xichen was caressing his hair and back gently when he felt him unfold his limbs and cuddle into his embrace. He opened his body to welcome him again, to give him at least a little solace, a little warmth and security. Jiang Cheng was clinging to his body desperately, shivering terribly and the awful sobs were shaking him whole.

- I am so scared... So scared, Huan... I don't know the person you love so much... He will be gone in a couple of days... -  he whimpered.

- The person I love is right here in my arms. He is amazing. He is beautiful and kind. I miss him.  –  Lan Xichen said sadly.

- No, he isn't.  -  Jiang Wanyin sniffed.  –  He is broken and too emotional.  He doesn't deserve you. You are too beautiful and too patient, too kind to him. He doesn't deserve all the happiness you are giving him. But he loves you, Zewu-Jun. He loves you helplessly, with all his soul.

Lan Xichen was kissing his hair, and his hands were holding him tight, rocking him gently to calm him down. 

He murmured in his ear, kissing his cheek, kissing the tears away:

- Please, tell him to come back to me. Please, tell him that he is my happiness too. Tell him that I will protect him from everything, from anyone, from the world. Tell him I need only him. Please, tell him that he is the best birthday present I have ever received.  Ever. Ever.

- Zewu-Jun...  -  Jiang Wanyin whimpered and looked up at him, staring at his sad face with wide open eyes.

- Kitten, please, calm down. There is nothing to be afraid of, my precious one...  -  he was cooing, kissing his face. –  I will always be here for you... Always, Wanyin... How can I prove it all to you? Tell me, my little one?