[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[149.] Feeling so cold inside your shadow. [TW]

NOTE:

TRIGGER WARNING  for this chapter.

Inspiration for this chapter's title: 

LACUNA COIL - "Kill The Light"

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Jiang Cheng was sitting in the carriage, sulking. 

It had been raining for two days, and he found out that he hated the rain way more than the snow. Why? He had never noticed such things before. Today almost everything irritated him.

For example  –  why would Zewu-Jun choose to sit opposite him, and next to Wei Wuxian? He had seen them the previous day  –  they were talking and whispering secretly in Lan Xichen's study. 

He felt alone; isolated. No, not alone  –  he felt lonely. No matter how annoying his brother was, he would always chase after him, ask him uncomfortable questions, or tease him, mock him. Not for the last couple of days; Wei Ying was clearing avoiding him, and he realized bitterly that he had been missing him.

The silence inside the carriage was as thick as mud. It was not just awkward and uncomfortable; it felt as if they had nothing left in the world to talk about. He was sulking and looking out of the window, when suddenly Zewu-Jun's voice surprised him, as he called to the servants to stop the carriage, and got out of it, and continued on horseback. He gaped at first, but then his face became dark and angry. So, he didn't even want to be with him in the same space? Why was Lan Huan acting like this? He could not recognize him any more; something changed two nights ago, and he didn't know what.

- What are you doing, you idiot?!  –  Wei Wuxian leaned forward and hissed when they were finally alone.

- Huh.  -  Jiang Cheng chose to ignore him, having too much on his mind already.

- Why are you torturing him?!?  –  he asked angrily.

- Shut up.  -  Jiang Wanyin squinted his eyes and glared at him now.

- Didn't you see that he was crying? How could you make someone who loves you so much cry? What is wrong with you???  –  Wei Ying fell back to his seat, shaking his head.  –  I will never understand you, A-Cheng. So many people care for you, and you push everyone away... Why him?  He only wants to love you. Amazing...  -  he huffed, folding his arms in front of his chest.

- Crying...?   -  Sandu Shengshou looked up at him, confused.

- Idiot!  –  Wei Ying hissed again.  –  He only got off so that  you  don't see him cry. Can you at least explain to me why ???

Jiang Cheng was gaping; his heart was racing as mad. He tried to lean out of the window and see Zewu-Jun outside, but his belly would not allow no such stunt movements, and Lan Xichen was nowhere to be seen. He sat back down, too upset.

- I... I...

Why? Why?!? What had happened? 

He vaguely felt that his brother was right, but at the same time he had no idea what he was talking about. He felt like the victim here, but it was slowly dawning on him that perhaps the roles were reversed. He never really understood when his body had started shaking, and he hid his face in his hands, sobbing pitifully.

Wei Ying frowned, initially thinking it was all an act. He knew that his brother could be an asshole, but never cruel. But then, he had never before seen Zewu-Jun so hurt, although he was doing everything in his power to hide it. Jiang Cheng collapsed to the seat and the moment his face hit the warm wolf hides that were covering it  –  it became worse, as he now was wailing loud, remembering where, when, how those hides came to be here.

- Ah, damn!

Wei Wuxian moved and took him in his embrace, expecting resistance, but Jiang Wanyin clung to him desperately.

- What is it? What are you doing, Shīdì?  –  Wei Ying mumbled, amazed.

Jiang Cheng squeezed him as much as he could, protecting his belly at the same time. He wailed in his hair:

- I am so... so miserable... I feel so...lonely. So... heartbroken... I am so very scared...  -  he sniffed. –  I want home. I want my bed. I want sleep. I want...him...

- Why are you acting like a brat?  –  Wei Wuxian frowned, listening to those foolish words.  –  You are the Yunmeng Jiang Clan Leader now. Or you forgot all about it?

- No... No...  -  new sobs.

- Do you want me to get Zewu-Jun for you?  –  Wei Ying ventured after several minutes of wailing and whimpering.

- No!  -  Jiang Cheng cried, pushing him away energetically.  –  I cannot let him see me like this! No.  –  he growled.

- How can you be so... moody! Gods!  –  Wei Wuxian mumbled.  –  How Lan Xichen endures all this behavior is beyond me! Always will be!

- Shut up!  -  Jiang Cheng decided to cling to anger; it was the safe road, the only one he knew well.