[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[117.] Automatic lover.

NOTE:

Inspiration for this chapter's title:

Theatre of Tragedy - "Automatic Lover"

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- Now, that is highly unlikely, sweetheart.  –  Lan Xichen smiled, curious now.

- Oh, I know it with certainty. You will hate me. So let's drop it.   -  Jiang Cheng said with a sinking heart.  –  Please, let's go back to sleep. Please, Zewu-Jun.

He looked up, and his eyes were begging. He was biting his lips, knowing his husband too well  –  Lan Xichen worried for him and wanted any issue resolved as soon as possible. And he  –  alas!  –  could not lie to him  -   even a little white lie, so that he could ease his mind. 

He had promised. 

Nothing was more important than his promises to Zewu-Jun.

Lan Huan was holding him in his arms, feeling that he was shaking slightly, and he wondered what could upset him so suddenly. He was frowning  –  any negative emotions were harmful for Sandu Shengshou at that moment, and also for their child. But then  –  he could not possibly let it just be bottled up and fester in him. It was something serious enough to not let him sleep at night.

He let go of him and turned to light the candles that were next to the bed. Jiang Cheng was watching him get up and feed the fire and then  –  put on a robe and get one for him too, donning it over his shoulders and returning to him in bed.

- Is it better, my love?  –  he murmured quietly, taking him in his arms again.

Jiang Wanyin cuddled into him immediately and nodded, too happy to be close again. They stayed together for a while, very still, holding each other.

- Tell me, my beautiful love. Your peace of mind is important, Wanyin. You need rest.  –  he cooed in his hair.

- You promise you won't be mad, Zewu-Jun?  -  Jiang Cheng mumbled.

- I promise.  –  he smiled, unable to think of a topic that would make him really mad at his husband.

Jiang Cheng sighed and closed his eyes. Lan Huan's embrace brought him some solace.

- I am sure what I have to ask is going to hurt you, but you are so stubborn,   Zewu-Jun.  –  he grumbled, even more upset not.  –  Because I wanted to ask you about Jin Guangyao.

Lan Xichen went very pale and his breath hitched. 

He said weakly:

- What about him...

Jiang Cheng swallowed hard and tried his best to go on and ignore the waves of pain that he could feel,  even without looking up at Zewu-Jun's face. He spoke hurriedly now, eyes closed, shivering all over:

- It is something that has been gnawing at my mind for months now, ever since Lan Wangji told me... about it. And tonight I cannot help but think about it, Zewu-Jun, as you are... you are so incredible, so amazing in bed. The way you touch me, the way you kiss me... the way you make love to me...  I could never match that...  -  he whispered.

- I have always wondered... what was he like? Was he very different from me? Did he make you happy... truly happy? Hanguang-Jun said that you lost yourself in him... and I think I died a little that day, Huan.

He finally looked up, and Lan Xichen recognized the pent-up sorrow those huge eyes were now brimming with. He caressed his hair and mumbled:

- You should never have bothered yourself with this , kitten. Especially not now, as you are pregnant, Wanyin.

Jiang Cheng ignored his words completely and the first tears fell, as he asked coarsely:

- Did you two make love? You have so much more experience than me... it is plain to see. He was better than me, wasn't he?  –  he sobbed.  –  Did you really love him so much...

Zewu-Jun let him hide in his embrace and sighed deeply.

- I won't lie to you, my love. But I am afraid my words will bring you only anguish. Why don't we let the past in the past, Wanyin? He is gone. Forgotten. He only lives in your mind...

- Please, Zewu-Jun...  -  Jiang Cheng murmured in his clothes.  –  Please, I must know.  My head is spinning every time we make love... it's eating me alive! How can I let the past rest? Our past makes us who we are... Is your tenderness to me so amazing because... because he  showed you how...  -  he broke down in sobs, shaking badly now, and Lan Xichen held him very tight in his arms, letting him cry and then calm down.