[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[147.] Power play. [🔞?] [TW]

Note:

Hello!

I hope this story has a purpose.  

Are you ready for me to break your heart, though? Again? Yes?

In the chapters that follow I will be dealing with power play. If you have ever been in the same-sex relationship  -  you know that this is a huge, and very real problem for most couples.

I am still not sure whether I should put a TRIGGER WARNING to those chapters... it will probably be triggering for some people.

This is why I decided to write this note in advance. Sure as hell - those chapters were triggering for me, as I have been having problems with power play for too many years myself. But these are dark times, so what is new.

Be advised that what you read will probably hurt. If you are in such a relationship yourselves - I do hope you have someone patient and caring enough by your side; someone who loves you enough to stay.

Here is a video that might be useful. I strongly recommend this channel if you know that you too have unresolved trauma, and your parents broke you too badly. It is quite illuminating. Was for me.

Don't hate me.

Be strong. Good luck.

****

 🔞 perhaps? 

TRIGGER WARNING as well.

****

Jiang Cheng could not sleep; he was too hot, the room was too warm, the bed was too soft. His mind was going over all the tasks of the day, all the tasks to be done on the following day too, worried and anxious, restless. Tonight Zewu-Jun's tight embrace felt... suffocating.

He moved to the side, finally able to breathe freely, thankful that Lan Huan was not a light sleeper  –  he sadly thought to himself that his husband must be totally exhausted too, both physically and mentally. 

The baby was kicking too much tonight, and his heart sank; he suspected that his anxiety was inexorably transferred to their child. He tried to take in deep breaths and calm his soul, quiet his mind. The doctor's visit scheduled for the next morning was only making things worse, as this was one more thing to worry about; it made him even more nervous.

No, no luck. The little one was turning, and he could swear that he felt the little feet kicking in all directions. He missed Zewu-Jun's hands on his body so much in that moment that tears came up in his eyes. His body remembered... his feverish, sleep-deprived mind started painting vivid pictures... 

He realized desperately that just the mere thought of his husband close to him, all over him, was too arousing. It was torture; it hurt. He closed his eyes, panting, and his hands moved to caress his breasts, fondling the swollen nipples... it was just not the same.

- Uhhh, Lan Huan...

The words escaped his lips perhaps too loudly because Lan Xichen stirred and murmured sleepily in the semi-dark room, unable to see Jiang Cheng clearly:

- Wanyin? What's wrong? Is it the baby, my love?

- Ughhh.  -  Jiang Wanyin realized that hearing his voice just made things worse.

- A-Cheng...

Lan Huan propped himself in bed, worried now, and fully awake, leaning in to try to decipher what was wrong by the expression of his husband's face. Jiang Cheng grabbed his shirt and pulled him in closer, panting terribly, growling in his face:

- Fuck me! Fuck me now, because I am dying...

- Wanyin!  –  Lan Xichen exclaimed, almost afraid  –  he had never heard him speak in such a voice.

Jiang Cheng wrapped his arms around him hurriedly, crushing him to himself and pulling him in for a kiss. Confused, Zewu-Jun just let his body do the habitual thing, and instinctively hugged and kissed him, worried and thinking that it was probably his raging hormones again. And his body reacted as could be predicted  –  his husband's scent and softness triggered the usual effects and very soon they were merging helplessly, inevitably.

There weren't many positions left to them now, as Jiang Wanyin was getting bigger by the day, but still  –  there was something different about tonight. 

The soft words and pleas were gone, the sensual moans and panting too. As soon as Lan Xichen positioned himself between his lover's legs to kiss and pet him, Jiang Cheng stopped him and placed his left leg over his shoulder, which meant that now all his muscles were extremely tense and his body was wide open for his husband to claim and penetrate. 

Tonight he didn't need foreplay, he needed it rough.

Amazed, Lan Xichen obeyed, feeling that Jiang Cheng needed him just for support, for satisfaction  –  his leg on his shoulder felt like a clamp, pressing on his body, pushing him down, pulling him closer and deeper, and it wasn't just passion and desire this time  –  he didn't like it, because it expressed domination, and he knew it with all his being. Jiang Cheng needed to control the act even without being on top. 

He felt... humiliated. 

He felt used.

They were having sex in silence this time; Jiang Wanyin was grunting and groaning, striving to get his climax at any cost. Lan Huan obliged, but it was all so confusing and upsetting that neither of them came that time. 

Exhausted, at one point they just gave it up and separated, gasping and sweaty, lying on their backs in the soft bed.

Neither spoke. 

There were no words to describe what each was feeling.