[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

[14.] The explanation I owed you.

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Lan Xichen was lost for words. He knew well what his husband meant. There was one more step to be taken, but he didn't know exactly when this would happen. His heart had been hurt too badly.

- I have never lied to you, and I never will, Wanyin. All I say to you is the truth. – he said quietly.

Jiang Cheng waited for more, wide-eyed, and then sighed, as no more words came, no more explanations, hiding his face in Zewu-Jun's chest.

- Forgive me. I am being childish. You are already giving me too much tenderness, Lan Huan... And I am grateful. I am. –  he said sadly.

He got up and left him alone, speechless and wondering. When he went to search for him later, he found him asleep in a corner of their bed, but the pillow was all wet  -  Jiang Cheng had spent hours crying.

***

In the next couple of days he kept his distance, telling Lan Xichen that we was feeling unwell.

 Zewu-Jun gave him his space, but felt lonely and quite unhappy. Jiang Wanyin was spending the days in bed, barely moving, and crying a lot – he felt lonely and unhappy too. 

Zewu-Jun noticed that he wanted to sleep a little separately now, and took his baths separately from him too. In the beginning he thought that his husband was just sulking. 

But then he looked more carefully  –  and he indeed looked very pale and really sick. He remembered the beginning of the summer, three months ago, when Sandu Shengshou could not go to the Conference with him. He looked in exactly the same way.

After several days of torture, he finally could not endure it any more, and decided to confront him. 

It was a sunny morning, and Jiang Cheng once again told him to have breakfast without him.

- Husband, please talk to me! – he cried desperately. – I am worried sick! Should I call for a doctor? What do I do... You look like you are dying, Wanyin! What is it? This is torture!

He sat on the bed by his side, and took his hand, squeezing it lightly: even his hands seemed smaller somehow. Jiang Wanyin smiled and caressed his face.

- Alright. Let's talk. –  he said faintly.  –  It is a conversation I have postponed long enough anyway...

- Why?! Why would you... Why?  –  Zewu-Jun asked, upset.

- Because... it is not a pleasant thing to talk about... and we have been so happy lately... at least I was... And I do think that any husband who doesn't love me deeply would definitely leave me after listening to ...this. –  he tried to stifle his tears, but they escaped the large cat eyes and ran down his cheeks.

Lan Xichen wiped them away gently, and murmured:

- Oh, Wanyin... You silly boy...

- Please, listen... I don't want to talk about this ever again...

Zewu-Jun nodded seriously, bringing his hand to his lips to kiss.

- My body works in cycles. Do you know how a woman's body works, Lan Huan? –  he looked at him and saw him blush and nod. –  Good. A healthy woman gets her period every month, and I go through something similar every three months. In every three months there comes a month in which I feel the way women feel monthly, and I swear, I have no idea how they do it. It is awful.

Lan Xichen leaned in to kiss his cheek, murmuring:

- I understand.

- During this month of agony I will be able to conceive a child, or at least the doctors believed so. – he blushed. – Since my childhood, everyone has been assuring me that no one will ever want to look at me even... So I have never thought about children before...

- Oh, Wanyin!  –  Lan Xichen was close to tears. He climbed in the bed and took him in an embrace carefully.

- Please, listen... Please...  -  he begged. –  It is just one moon cycle, 28 days, but it is Hell. I feel dizzy and nauseous all the time. Almost any food makes me sick or gives me awful heartburn. My ovaries hurt... as if someone is plunging blunt knives in my back. Oftentimes I cannot sleep for days... But the worst part... the absolutely worst part is that I am... in awful heat.  –  he blushed severely. – I crave for sex as you crave for air underwater, and... often... having you close to me... is... torture...  -  he sobbed.

- Good Gods! – Lan Huan was terrified. A lot of things became clear to him now. –  This sounds like a refined torture, Wanyin! – he frowned, but held him tighter now.

- For a woman it is about a week. For me it's four weeks. –  he mumbled. – I never wanted to tell you this, because... Because...  -  he sobbed helplessly.  – Because you never told me that you love me...  And I am so afraid I might lose you any minute... of any day...  Because I am so pitiful...so broken...

- Oh... A-Cheng... Oh, my dearest...

Lan Xichen lay him down on his back carefully and leaned in to kiss him deeply, unable to stop his tears.

- Please, stop crying, my sweet one... -  he was murmuring, holding him close, rocking him in his embrace. – I am not going to leave you like that... How could I?!? You are so sick, darling...

- Please... Lan Huan... Please... If you stay... I would probably get pregnant... I cannot control myself when the heat hits... You can ask my brother... Please... -  he was sobbing. – Oh damn, I hate being so emotional... You probably hate seeing me so pathetic... crying... Please go... Please...  -  he was begging, wiping his puffy eyes with his sleeves, trying to stop, but failing.

Lan Xichen laughed bitterly.

- What kind of husband would I be, if I left you when you are so upset, so ill? Remember our wedding, my little one... -  he was pressing him close, kissing his hair. –  We swore to help and support each other through good times and bad alike. I am not planning on breaking my vows to you, Wanyin!

Jiang Cheng cuddled into his embrace, still sniffling, but slowly settling down. He was looking up at his face with so much love and adoration that Lan Huan bit his lips, and went on quietly:

- I know I still have not said the words you crave to hear. I am trying my best to show it to you with my deeds –  to show you how much I care about you, how important you are to me...

He kissed the top of his head, and Jiang Wanyin smiled in the warm embrace, breathing in his husband's scent deeply.

- For me, those three simple words mean a lot. They are the highest point of a relationship that has reached its climax, reached perfection. You and me... we have been together for a couple of weeks. It is too soon for me. I am sorry...  -  he said sadly. – I am really sorry if I'm failing to make you feel wanted and loved...

- Zewu-Jun...  -  Jiang Cheng whispered. – Forgive me. I didn't think you are so... old-fashioned.

Lan Xichen smiled faintly.

- It's my fault. I was being a brat. I do feel loved, and I do feel wanted. I feel cared for and desired. You are the best husband in the world, Zewu-Jun...  -  he murmured lovingly.

- Sweetheart...

- Will you stay with me until I fall asleep? Please?

- Yes, my lovely. I am here. Rest.