favorite crime [h.s]

seventy one

Harry

The mirror shatters when I punch it with my fist, and little pieces of glass splatter all over the floor. I stare at the empty wall peaking through between broken glass and reflections of myself. I can't look at myself anymore. I only see a fucking monster who is the biggest asshole for hurting the only person he loves.

I'm sorry, my sunshine. I'm so sorry. I really am.

The secrets I kept from you were never supposed to be revealed. The guilt grew as I found myself falling for you, but there was no going back now. I know things would get worse the longer I hid it, but you would've never been with me if you knew what I did. We wouldn't have had the chance to fall in love if I told you everything.

I know it sounds selfish as fuck, but I'd do anything to feel a love like yours. I know that you wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way as well. You enjoyed every single moment with me, it was clear in your bright and happy eyes. I loved making you happy, and I got so lost in my promise to keep you happy that I forgot reality. I forgot that at some point you wouldn't be happy anymore.

God, did I love seeing you happy. I craved your pretty smile and that beautiful sound of your laugh. I loved the way you threw your head back when you smiled and pinched your eyes shut. I loved that you smiled at me, and that I was the reason you were so happy.

Guilt was the feeling that lived with me all along. It may not have seemed like it, but there was so much guilt hidden behind every action. I hide it pretty well with my expressions, but that feeling overwhelmed me at some point. Panic attacks were always a reaction of my brain whenever I found myself growing closer to you although I shouldn't have.

I felt it everywhere. When I woke up next to you, when I took care of you, when I tucked you in bed, when I made you laugh, when I made you cry, when I put you in danger, when I fucked you, when I made you breakfast, when I held your hand, when we went on dates.

It's selfish of me to do all those things only to avoid hurting you, because I didn't know what to do without you.

I still don't.

I leave the elevator when the doors slide open, pretending like I didn't just break a mirror. Walking down the hallway straight to my apartment, my eyes are still bloodshot and my hands are shaking. Kicking the door open, I hear voices coming from the living room.

"What the fuck are you still doing here?" I bark at them when I enter the kitchen.

I'm not sure if they're surprised by my tone. "You were gone for barely half an hour," Liam clarifies.

Half an hour was all it took to change her life completely.

She doesn't deserve any of this. She's such a lovable person and it was so easy to love her.

I open my cabinets and search for a nice bottle of alcohol, the strongest kind I can find. My skin is burning from rage, mostly towards myself, all I see is red.

Grabbing a bottle of vodka, I open it effortlessly and drink straight from the rim. Shutting my eyes, all I see is her in front of me, smiling, laughing, kissing me. It's hard not to cry, but I've sworn I wouldn't do it if the boys are here. Instead, I let the liquor sting my throat as I swallow it like water.

"Harry, what are you doing? You're gonna fucking poison yourself," Louis calls from the other side.

I slam the bottle on the counter and contain myself from snapping back. Staring at the half empty bottle of clear liquid in my hand, my knuckles turn white as I clench it between my fingers.

Before I think about it, my arm is in the air and I toss the bottle across the room. It crashes into the wall and shatters into a million pieces while the alcohol stains my clean white wall.