THANDI
I left.
After my fight with Gundo I locked the door, cleaned the mess I made, took out my suitcases and started packing. I packed and packed throughout the night because I knew too well I wouldn't be able to sleep either way. The following day I called in sick at work, asked my driver to help me load my stuff in the car then I left. I left Gundo with all the trouble he's brought into my life
Okay that part isn't true, I carried the trouble with me because whether I like it or not. My husband has hurt me over and beyond
When he realised I had left he followed me, tried to get me to talk to him, apologuzed, the works. But I just wasn't hearing any of it and he saw that there was no way he was going to get me to go back to that hell hole he calls a home
I agreed to keep the security, for my own good. Ruined marriage or not, I'll always be known as the mob boss's wife and that on its own is another fuck up I'm only realising now, whatever happens with Gundo and I. I'm forever tainted in this world, I'm a part of this organization, whether I like it or not
Now as I sit in my office, I wonder where I went wrong...more than that, what the hell am I going to do now that I'm in this situation. I physically left Gundo, but my heart still very much recognizes him as my love... My true love. It's so easy for those around me to say I deserve better. Musa, Melo and Asanda, they all had the same thing to say and yes, I know I deserve so much better... I just don't have a switch to turn off what I feel for him. So I just nod at their advices knowing very well its not doing anything to make this feeling go away, if I didn't love Gundo, I wouldn't be feeling the pain I'm feeling now, I wouldn't be feeling scared to entertain the thought of a divorce and I definetly wouldn't care to wonder what he's doing with Emmé right now but I do. So the best thing I could manage to do for myself at that time was to physically leave
I keep asking myself, How am I going to get through this because I really don't see a way, I'm not ready to file for divorce but at the same time I know I deserve better. I deserve so much better than what's happening to me and it's been a full three weeks since I left but I'm still so miserable...and damn lonely
It's almost Christmas and everyone is up in arms feeling the festive season while I'm here sulking. This was supposed to be my first Christmas with Gundo as my husband but well... It's clear to see how that's going. I'm even considering taking on a double shift just to keep myself busy, a lot of people want to be off on the day so maybe I could relieve someone of their duty or make plans with Melo if he won't be busy, last Christmas he was out traveling with his friends. I missed him but I also didn't want to be the one to hold him back so I pumped up his bank account and let him enjoy the time with his friends. He deserved it after working so hard at school
"No, this is enough. You need to stop sulking or you'll give your patients nightmares,that face you have on these days isn't pleasant T" Musa interrupts me from my thoughts
"There aren't any patients here" I mumble and sigh
"Sis B then, maybe she's scared to tell you but you need to learn how to smile again T. You look awful"
"Gee, thanks for the kind words buddy"
"I wouldn't be a real buddy if I didn't give it to you straight" He pulls a chair and sits to face me
"I'm miserable Musa, what do you want me to do?pretend everything is great?pretend that I'm having the time of my life when I'm not?"
"No, but you left that house for a reason. What good is it if you're still going to sit and sulk"
"I don't even have plans for Christmas"
"Christmas is two weeks away, worry about now not later. And if you're off then maybe we could do something with Melo if he's around this year"
