GUNDO
We've been home with Dakalo for two weeks now and things have changed a lot.
For starters, I've learned that babies don't care about the difference between day and night. Dakalo wakes up around 7 in the evening, only for him to pull an all nighter until 5 in the morning the following day. Then he sleeps in between hours during the day, this means we also get very little sleep and have learned to function around his hours
The good thing is that he does not cry a lot but he requires a lot of physical contact so a lot of times I find myself on the rocking chair in his nursery with him on my chest as he falls asleep and the minute I place him on his cot, his little eyes open and he makes a little pout making me pick him up again but I don't mind one bit, I now live for these moments
This little champ has already stolen my heart and at the moment I can't imagine myself anywhere else except here with him
Each time his little eyes look at me i fall deeper and deeper into this feeling, this realization that I'm now a father
Yes, the situation between his mother and I isn't exactly the best but not once do I feel bad about him. Not once do I feel ashamed because Dakalo is my blood. How could I ever not love him, especially when he didn't apply to be brought into this world
Between Emmé and I, I'm the one whose been spending a lot of time with him. When they got discharged I wanted her to rest, to not feel any pressure but at the same time I didn't want to hand Dakalo to a nanny so I made the decision to step away from work for a while. Maybe the first two or three months then I'll gey back to it, until then, Given will be running the show
I was also worried about how Thandiwe would take the news, I couldn't bring myself to tell her because I know this is the one time she can't celebrate my happiness with me and I completely understand. So I held out on telling her. The biggest part of me held out because I can't bare to hurt her any more than I already have but she then surprised me
A week after Dakalo's birth. She sent me a new dad basket with different things for the baby and a whiskey bottle for myself accompanied by a note that read "Congratulations on your little bundle of happiness. T"
I've read that note over and over again. It's a simple sentence but knowing it comes from Thandi is what makes me want to reread it again and again, knowing she might just be even a little okay with me having a child just gives me this hope. I'm probably hoping for too much, but well...
On the day of Dakalo's two weeks check up I take a quick shower while Emmé prepapres him so we can leave soon. I still put on my formal pants and shirt even though it's just a doctor's visit. I guess some habits will forever stick with me. When I'm ready I go to the nursery to check if they are done
"All done?" I ask Emmé ad she zips his bag
"I don't feel too well, do you mind going with him alone?" she asks
"What's wrong?"
"Just a little fatigue, my whole body just isn't having it" she yawns and I look at her, she does look exhaused and could use the rest but I've also noticed just how detached she is with Dakalo
First she opted for formula instead of breastfeeding him, I didn't think much of it as it's not quite a big deal, but then I started noticing other things like how she refrains from holding him, she will find any excuse to not be in the same room as him and when she is, she does very little to interact with him
"Emmé, are you sure you're okay? I mean you don't have to talk to me about it of you feel that you won't be free but I could arrange someone for you to talk to"
"A shrink?" she asks ready to defend herself out of this
"I'm worried about you, maybe it would do you some good to talk to someone"
"There's nothing wrong with me Gundo" her voice starts cracking like she's about to cry
"Then how do you explain that you can hardly look at your own son? You never want to touch him either let alone talk to him"
"Talk to a 2 week old baby?" she scoffs
"You know exactly what I mean"
"I don't"
"Emmé-"
"I'm fine Gundo, I'm not going crazy or anything. I'm just tired and today my body just feels off okay? I just need a bit of rest without you judging me for being a bad mom"
"I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to help you see that this isn't normal behavior"
Dakalo's soft cries interrupt us and I pick him up from his cot and hold him against my chest soothing him
"I agree, I've been a bit off. Maybe we could talk about it when you come back from his check up" she says more calmly this time
"And if need be, you'll let me find a professional to help you?"
"Yes... We will discuss it when you come back" she says
I put Dakalo on the baby sling carrier then I carefully adjust it around me. When I'm done I cover him with his banket then grab his bag with my free hand
I take a driver with so I can sit at the back with him and luckily there's no long que when we get to the doctor's office
The doctor checks his weight and head circumference then she does a full physical checkup and she also checks his reflexes. She confirms that everything is in order and he's development is as expected then we make our way out after she writes down the date for his next visit
I get home with the intention to talk to Emmé but Dakalo is a little restless so I sit on the couch to feed him his bottle. He relaxes in my arms and latches on to the tip of the bottle then starts sucking. I can't help but stare at his perfect face and cute cheeks while be feeds, it took a while for it to register that this is where I am in life now. I'm a father, the thought if it is wild and blows me away each time to think that I'm somebody's dad
I hadn't even thought about children yet, with everything that's been going on it wasn't even on my list of things to accomplish but now that he's here, I can't imagine going through life without him
After burping him I make my way to Emmé's room. The door is slightly open so I know and push it a little to open, it's empty.
I walk to Dakalo's room, maybe she's in there but I'm met by silence again and I start wondering where she mighr be. I decide to call her instead of having to walk all over this house trying to find her and her phone goes straight to voice mail and this has me worried. I look around the room and theat when I see a couple of white envelopes laying on the small table next to the rocking chair
I walk closer with Dakalo still in my arm and I take a closer look. There's five white envelopes and they each have a name on them. They are directed to Dakalo, Me, Thandi, Jerome and Julie
A feeling of dread and nervousness rushes though me as I pick up the one written my name on it, already thinking of the worst.
