EMMÉ
"You sure you're okay?"
"I'm f-" And it hits me again
Whenever I think I'm done and we are good to go I find myself kneeling by the toilet feeling like I'm about to throw my guts out. This is torture
"Emmé" Gundo stands behind me and I just rest my head on my arms still leaning against the seat "Maybe we should reschedule"
"No, I just need a moment. Besides, we can't just miss doctors appointments"
"Are you sure? You don't look too well"
"I look the same every other morning Gundo, just give me a moment and I'll be out"
He stands there hesitating until I shoot him a sharp glare and only then he walks out. The past four months have been exactly like this. He's always watching me, asking if I need anything, ready to call the doctor at the slightest discomfort I feel. Between him and my dad, I feel like I might just lose my freaking mind
Two weeks ago we found out we are having a baby boy. Gundo was over the moon, so was my dad and me on the other hand... I don't really know how I felt, I still don't know how I feel honestly
Everyone paints this picture that pregnancy is the most beautiful thing, that as a mother you start bonding with your little one from the moment they are still inside you and I'm yet to experience that feeling
I'm ashamed to say I don't feel anything. No connection, no bond... Nothing. It's like the last four months have just been me growing and nurturing this baby but somehow these "Motherly" instincts haven't kicked it, I think even Gundo has a much better connection with our baby than I do, and he's not even the one carrying him
I've tried talking to aunt Julie but as usual, she just tells me things will get better with time and when she gets to a point where she no longer knows what to say she dismisses me by reminding me that she never had kids of her own so she's not really sure how all this is supposed to work out
"Are you coming?" Gundo asks again and I feel like screaming at him but I compose myself
I splash my face with water then I walk out, I'm going without makeup today and I really don't care
"All done" I say reaching for my handbag and we make our way out
"Do you think I can make a quick banana and peanut butter sandwich before we go?" I ask glancing at the kitchen
"It's done already, all packed in the car" He says
The second I'm buckled up I reach for the container with my food in it and start eating then I catch Gundo watching me
"What?"
"One would swear you haven't eaten anything in days"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask and he's about to say something but he purses his lips and shakes his head
"Say it, are you saying I eat too much?"
"What? No... Of course not... I was just saying"
"That I'm fat? Is it my weight?"
"Woah Emmé, slow down. I was just making a comment on how much you love that specific sandwich" he scrunches his nose as he says the last part
"You didn't even make it right" I mumble while eating
"Huh?"
"You used smooth peanut butter"
"And it's wrong because...."
