GUNDO
The past few weeks have felt like I'm just going through the motions. I wake up, bath, get to work, come back home, eat, sleep and repeat the next day, there's really no motivation for anything else
I keep rethinking the night Thandi and I had finally had enough of this situation and just laid it all out. I keep wondering if I made a mistake by letting her go because there isn't a moment that passes by where I don't have a strong urge to call her or go see her and it literally strains me to control these urges. It fucking hurts even physically to just sit here and do nothing when I know she's just a phonecall away. This is harder than I imagined it would be
I know I've already hurt her enough, I may have even took advantage of the love she has for me and thought that it would be enough for her to stand it all. Yet again, that was selfishness on my side and now that I get to sit and reflect on my life choices, I see just how much I screwed up and just how much I don't deserve her love
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't put her in the middle of all this. If I had gone ahead and married Emmé as agreed. I know my actions have led to the worst consequences but if I'm to be honest. I don't regret marrying Thandiwe. I only regret the circumstances that I married her under and I regret thinking I had my life planned out when I made that deal with Jerome because it might have just cost me the love of my life
No other woman will ever match up to what I feel for her, I can't even hide it. Emmé and I might be getting along now but deep down we both know that there's no deep connection. Not the way I have it with Thandiwe. My mufunwa.
We've been having very little communication so I mostly rely on her guards to give me a daily report of how her day was. I even find myself asking questions that aren't necessarily related to her safety
I miss her.
But I also know that this time apart is what's best for the both of us. She needs to heal past through everything I've put her though and I also need to get over watching her give herself to another man. That video is living rent free on my bead and no matter how much I try to forget it. I just can't
Just thinking about it makes my anger rise over again like it's my first time hearing about it. It should hurt less because I've done the same thing to her but it honestly doesn't. The only thing about this situation is that I now have a glimpse of what she's been feeling and if I'm being honest, her pain is much worse because she's had to endure Emmé being my wife, it wasn't just a one time thing like her and Musa
I pour myself another drink while going through our pictures together. In happier times, it feels like a lifetime ago and what I'd do to have us both back there. I scroll some more until there's a knock on the door and it opens
"Hey" Emmé says peaking with her head only
"Hey"
"Will you be having your supper up hear or you'll come down?"
"I'm not hungry, just put it in the microwave for later"
She looks like she's about to say something else but she decides against it "Okay" she says then closes the door
I sigh and lean more on my chair allowing my regrets to fill my head again. I need to feel this, I need to be this miserable because that's exactly what I've been making Thandiwe feel. I need to know and understand exactly what it is that she's been going though because that's the only way I can remind myself that right now, she's better off far from me, no matter how much I wish things could be different
I need to understand just how much I've hurt my wife and that in order for her to heal I shouldn't be too overbearing but if there's one thing I'm sure off
