GUNDO
To Gundo
Yours is the last one I'm writing because I knew it would be the hardest to explain why I'm doing this. I have tried many beginnings to a letter, many suitable opening statements but I can't find any so I'll just write from my heart, hoping that this letter will bring you some kind of closure
Forgive me if it's all scrambled up and all over the place, it will only be a reflection of what I'm feeling, what I've been feeling
Like any other young woman, I've always had dreams and aspirations. I may not have always known whag I wanted to do with my life but I've always known what I did not want to do
The first is being in a loveless marriage. Under no circumstances am I blaming you for that, I know I'm partly to blame too because instead of standing up to my father. I agreed to marry you. In my head, I still had many years to convince him that this isn't what I wanted but when he threw the unexpected bomb at me, I failed to stand up for what I wanted.
This is because I've always lived to make my father proud. I've never wanted to disappoint him and I've always believed that everything he does is for my best interest. I think he believes that aswell but the truth is, none of what has been happening has been good for me.
I jumped into this marriage without any manual and I had to figure my own way out. You were trying so hard to preserve your first marriage and my dad was busy trying to dissolve it. Nobody really noticed that I was in the center of it all, my happiness didn't matter, nor did what I wanted. It was all about the deal
Junping straight into this pregnancy. When I first found out I was pregnant that's when it all hit me. The fact that this isn't the life I want to leave, the thought that this would be the end of any chance I had of getting out of this mess and living the life I want to live. It all hit me at once and I wish it hadn't taken me carrying a life inside me to realise that I can't keep living life like this, that I need something better, I deserve something better
The truth is, I can't stay married to a man who's madly inlove with another woman. I envy the love you have foe Thandi because through it all, you've never faltered. You've never stopped loving her and you've always fought to keep her. I want to experience that one day, I've already burned my chance with the one I love but I haven't completely lost all hope in love. I believe one day somebody will love me the way you love Thandiwe but until then, I need to love myself and put myself first
It might sound selfish because we are expecting a baby but I'm only 25 and I have felt the worst kind of pains, pains that no young woman should ever endure but I did because I believed it was for the best
I'm really sorry Gundo and I know you probably won't forgive me for this but as soon as I give birth to our son I'm going to leave... I believe that of you're reading this now then I've already left. I've told no one where I'm going because I know that my father will do everything in his power to bring me back without caring about what it is that I want
I've been planning this since I learned of my pregnancy and I want you to know that it's not your fault. You've done nothing wrong, it anything. You've made me feel cared for in these past few months than I've ever felt in the duration of our marriage. So it's not your fault that I left, nor is it our son's and I hope one day you will both forgive me for this
I believe that one day I'll be better and brave enough to come back and apologise in person but for now I need to do what's best for me... I need to do what I want to do and not what everyone else expects me to do. Had I not done this, I'd only drown deeper into this feeling and I'd end up resenting our baby, something he does not deserve
