I Trusted You

Chapter 20.

Jasleena

A month had gone by since it all happened. I had lost a few pounds because of the lack of eating. I just didn't have an appetite anymore. Sometimes I would just sit at the cafe and stare at my coffee. I wasn't texting anyone aside from my parents. Not even a text to Lukas, in over two weeks. He was still sending me morning texts, sometimes even an inspirational message. And I truly appreciated that. It was something I liked to see and made me smile for a bit.

I wasn't my usual self anymore. I wasn't the jolly, happy, exciting, outgoing Leena anymore. It was as if all life was sucked out of me. As if I had become a robot and just functioned to what I needed to and that's all. As if I were just a shell of the woman I used to be. It had me build up every wall possible. I played my cards right while I spoke to my parents. So they wouldn't know I wasn't ok. I felt myself drifting farther and farther away from everyone. I felt myself sinking into a deep, dark hole. I felt myself suffocating in all that pent up angry. Emotions drowing me. I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone though. I couldn't trust anyone that way anymore.

They completely broke me and I didn't think I could ever be the old me again. I didn't believe I would trust anyone again. I didn't believe I'd ever be ok enough to talk to them again. I didn't visit my family. I came up with an excuse every time. If only they knew I would only drown myself in sorrow. If only they knew most nights I cried myself to sleep. It's like my body turned on the autopilot and was just functioning to keep life going. Because deep down I was so lost. I had thoughts about going to a therapist, but the lack of trust wasn't allowing me to go through with it. So I didn't.

Another month went by and the same routine continued. My parents came to visit and I faked it until they left. They thought I was doing great and continued to tell me they were proud of me. But I didn't believe them. It's like anything and every thing that was said positively about me, had gone in one ear and left the other. The best parts of my days were working. My students would keep my mind off of so much and that's what I ended up looking forward to every day.