How to get him to fall in love | ✔

Chapter Sixteen

It had been 11 months since I had agreed to see mom, almost a year, call it our year anniversary, yes I had kept track of the date mainly because I didn't think it would last and I wanted to see how long it would, I called a month, yet here we are another ten months later. My mother and I had taken our visits outside about 4 months back, not all the time but we spiced it up a bit, sometimes indoor outings, sometimes outdoor outings sometimes just lounging around watching Christmas movies with her and my grandparents as grandma had an endless supply of Christmas movies, and whenever she put one on she made a mean cup of hot cocoa

And I won't deny it but It felt good to have my real mom back, I know it was a long stretch, but she stuck it out 11 months with me, so I had hope. But for now I was enjoying it, it felt great to be doing all the stuff that kids got to do, not that Tess and Greg didn't do those things with me, they did, but I was too sad and broken over my shattered family for so many years nothing felt fun

I hadn't seen Tess and Greg since spring break, I called them every week at least twice, but my schedule got busier with classes picking up, some difficult modules thrown in the mix, and visiting my mother as well seeing that she lived closer to campus than Tessa and Greg, I even spent a couple of weekends there by my grandparents' house.

After walking what seemed like for ages, we got ice cream and then decided to walk down the boulevard and find a nice place to get food before heading home, well heading to my grandparents' home

''Are you going to stay with grandma and grandpa forever?'' I end up blurting out after chewing the last piece of my sugar cone

My mother seems to consider this for a moment before responding

''No it wasn't my plan, I do have a place of my own, doesn't really get used, but I moved in with them when grandpa got sick and I moved in to help out''

''Oh I had no idea he is sick, what's wrong with him?''

''Its prostate cancer'' she says it so blatantly, it like she said it a million times to a million people, like she's had time to process it

''Jesus'' I can't help myself but I blurt it out, my reaction seems to worry her, and I see the coils in her mind basically tell her she needs to console me like I'm 7 and this was hard news for me to hear. She does this a lot; always try to console me, as if she's trying to shield me from all harm

It doesn't work of course but I like seeing her do this every time

''Well it's not strange for people of his age, and at least as a kid I never expected him to die, so I don't want to regret not spending enough time with him, so I'm trying to make sure I spend lots of time with him''

I almost roll my eyes

Way to roll it in mom

''I had no idea'' I murmur

''Yeah he doesn't want anyone to know, I don't know what it is or why he doesn't want anyone to know, grandma says because cancer has already taken so much from him, it has taken away his ability to be a man, but he still wants to be seen as a man to the world'' she states

I listen empathetically I love my grandfather, and I want him to be happy, whatever his happiness looks like to him

''I won't think of him any less –man'' I say

''I know you won't, but I don't think he sees it that way, But he loves you so much and I think he doesn't want you to treat him differently''

I nod

''No of course not, I promise to treat him just the same prior to the cancer knowledge''

She smiles at me, we stop to watch the sun, the sky is all beautiful shades of oranges and pink, and for a moment we just stop in awe

''Kate's favorite color was orange'' I say daringly and laugh. This time I didn't think, I spoke about her without feeling like I need to pretend it never happened or it didn't exist, I have faith in my mother I have faith in us, so I decide to not hold back anymore

Mom doesn't say anything, I kind of wanted her to, it's the first time I've mentioned Kate to my mother. I mean we are adults we can speak about her and miss her together

She doesn't say anything for a long period of time, which begins to worry me, until I look to her and I see her cheeks are streaked with tears

It makes me smile, because like me mom still mourns Kate my sister, her daughter.

I make a move to hug her, deciding she deserves a hug right now and I wrap my arms around her neck and feel her chest heave against mine

''What did you say?'' she asks into my hair, still sniffling

''That Kate's favorite color was orange?'' I say again more in question

She starts crying more, and now I'm beginning to wonder if she's crying more about Kate or the color orange

That's absurd who cries over a color

''you still speak about her'' she says in-between more harsh sniffles

This makes me pull back, I don't know why I feel offended by this, she was my sister after all, I figure my mother wasn't crying about orange or Kate

''Forget it'' I say, hating having said anything in the first place

''Oh my god!'' she exclaims

I'm pissed at her, I don't know why she's reacting the way she is

''Maybe I should go'' I say

''Amber wait –''

I stop dead in my tracks not facing her

''You'll never believe how sorry I am''

''Yes so you've mentioned'' I state

''And I can't change our past''

Her we go again with the dramatics

''Jesus, I'm not four years old'' I exclaim

''No, I know'' she's sobbing and people walking past are giving us worried glances

''I never hated you, dad and Kate is not your fault'' - my words cause her to stop, she looks up at me, I continue

''Their deaths are not your fault'' I say affirmatively, meaning every word

She starts crying again

''Goodbye, I got to go'' I say defeated

''Amber'' she calls behind me, I don't stop walking, but I walk slower

''Are you still seeing Lila?'' she asks

That causes me to turn around

''yes what the fuck is that supposed to mean?'' I don't care that I'm cussing

''Nothing, I just want you to be okay''

''Oh fuck you'' I say, and with that I storm off intending to never speak to her again.