How to get him to fall in love | ✔

Kate

Dad does it all the time, it only happens when mom isn't around, the worst part is that he knows exactly what he's doing.

I've seen shows where people don't know what they are doing and that makes them do hurtful things to other people, it's not like this for dad, he knows I see it in his eyes

They says eyes are the windows into your soul

And dads windows shows me everything

I never know when to expect it, but it happens the most when mom is at work. Mom and dad both work but mom works more, and dad is at home more

Sometimes dad comes straight from work and says it's time for me to bathe. I don't need him to bathe me anymore I'm 10 years old but he insists. sometimes it's when I'm alone in my room and he just comes in to my room, and I never hear him because we have no locks on the doors. other times its when I know he is watching me and then he tells me I need to get undressed

I didn't know this time would be different because I've grown accustomed to it, I accept it and try not to show how much I hate it so that I can protect Amber from it

I imagine Amber is my sister, and I need to protect her from dad, because if he does it to me, he won't do it to her.

My name is Amber, my second name is Kate, when bad things happen I pretend they happen to Kate that way Amber is always safe

Today it happens in the bath, I know mom is coming earlier home today because she told dad this, I heard them on the phone an hour ago. it's their anniversary today and she made us reservations to go out for dinner

Dad comes into the bathroom, the bath is empty apart from the water that he had just put in the tub. There is no toys and no bubbles in the bath. I used to like bubbles and toys but now I prefer to not have them in the bath because they remind me of what always happens in the bath

He comes near me, I feel his shadow loom over me, I don't want to do this right now, I ignore him, pretend I don't notice him, I won't move until he makes me. this also stalls for time.

I hear dad let out an annoyed breath

He comes to stand right in front of me, his crotch in line with my face. it's crazy to me how I know when it's going to happen based on what his pants look like.

Whenever it's about to happen there's always a visible bulge in his pants.

But it is different this time, he is a bit different this time. he smells different like the liquid mom keeps in the cabinet for special guests.

He shoves me back in the tub, and I knock my head against the tub, I'm too afraid to move because the more you move the more painful these things usually are

Another reason why it's different today, is because dad looks right into my eyes, and I see nothing there. Normally he doesn't look at me when we do this, in fact he goes to extreme measures to look everywhere but at my eyes. I think it's because he is afraid of what his soul will look like

Other people's eyes can be used as mirrors for your own. That's why dad doesn't like looking in my eyes because then he'll see his own

I feel scared now, because he looks different, and when I get scared I scream

So I scream, and He smacks me

''sorry, sorry, sorry'' he repeats looking at his hand like its poison ''just be quiet, okay?'' he says

The tears fall from my eyes because they are stinging from the slap

He is in nothing but boxer briefs, I hear him pull it down, the familiar rustling of the fabric as it slides down his legs. But I never look, I'm always afraid to look. Then dad climbs into the bath with me. I don't dare shift or make any movements

The more still you are, the better it is

And then I close my eyes, and feel it. I've felt it so much that I've learnt to stop feeling it

I learnt what the names of girls and boys private parts are

Dad puts his penis in my vagina and moves it in my vagina for a long time

I don't like it, but dad does.

He makes sounds like he is getting hurt, but he isn't getting hurt.

Water sloshes around me while he moves, some of the water goes in my mouth and my ears and my nose

It's getting harder to breathe

But I don't dare move. Never move

My lungs are burning, dad is still going, I still can't breathe.

I think of other things, I think of my favorite candy, I think of my bicycle that mom bought me, I think of my friend Annika and her Barbie's, my favorite Barbie is the one who is a rock star

I think I stop breathing

Dad stops moving

I think Mom is home, I smell her perfume

''What the fuck is wrong with you, you are so fucking sick'' she shouts at him