How to get him to fall in love | ✔

Chapter Forty Four

I always thought that my nightmares were punishments, that because I drowned Kate I'd have to relive the moment of me committing such a terrible act for the rest of my life

And instead of imagining her drowning it is me

I've been told many times by Lila over the years that it wasn't my fault, but I remember mom yelling at me, she wouldn't say those hurtful things for no reason. I remember her distinctly screaming those gut wrenching screams, screams filled with so much pain, like the mere sight of Kate brought her pain

And the worst part is I didn't feel guilty about it. guilty about something I was supposed to feel guilty about, I used to think that by seeing Lila she'd help me understand why I did something so cruel like hurting my sister and feeling no remorse whatsoever for the action I had committed

Looking back, I memorialize the moment I heard mom speaking to her friend about what had happened when Kate had just passed, specifically about me, and I'd hear her say things like ''Amber was just there, laying there as if nothing happened''

I don't have a clear recollection of the events, I just know that Kate had drowned in the bathtub, she was never a good swimmer, I was the only one who could swim. Dad always ran our baths, and Kate always bathed before me, I pretty much blacked out the rest of what happened that night, not intentionally, my brain just refused to remember. The only time I started remembering was when the memories visited my nightmares

That's when I figured what I had done

The nightmare usually started when mom found Kate, and she would start screaming. somewhere in the nightmare mom came to look for me as well and I had just been laying there. I don't remember where or how, but I saw the look in mom's eyes when she looked at me, secretly asking me the question; could you have done nothing to save her?

Apparently when mom came in and found Kate, I was the only one in the bathroom.

I did it. Maybe I didn't physically kill her, but the fact that I didn't help her or save her when I knew she couldn't swim was basically the same thing

I always feel bad thinking of Kate, not because of the fact of what I did to her, but because I feel bad for not feeling bad about what I did to her.

....

Fran and I had planned to go to a concert for months now, we had booked our tickets beforehand, arranged our schedules accordingly, even bought merch that we could wear on the day, it would be like our girls day.

This planning had begun long before Elias and I, but I was still going as Fran and I had been anticipating it for so long

The only thing is, Elias sort of ruined the girls day aspect of things when he asked to gate crash, I spoke to Fran about it first of course, and she agreed by shrugging her shoulders, but I knew she wasn't happy about it.

I know it was supposed to be our day, but there had been a lot of things I had done with just Justin and her, that I never complained about, so I didn't feel totally guilty about it.

But Fran like me I'd say is not someone to let go of things very easily, especially if she's not happy about it

The day that was supposed to be a girls day, becomes one where Fran found every opportunity to argue with Elias over anything and everything.

We get to the arena fairly early because we want to be seated and not have to wait long outside and then have trouble getting to our seats, we are walking towards our seats, when Elias decides he would like to go the bathroom first before seating