𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐇 𝐁𝐎𝐘-𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃 - A Jelloman Fanfic

(S2) Hold Back

We separated after a few minutes of chatting and went our own lane, meaning we basically just ignored each other for a while. The sky is also getting dark.. and I'm just now looking back at what happened earlier. it's as if Josh really told me how he felt. He really doesn't like it when I'm bothered or clumsy. This whole time, I thought he was pretending not to see me looking into space.. but the truth is that he's just been worried about it. It seemed like another complicated fight, but how did it lead to him wanting to take me out.. should I feel relieved about it, or scared..? Because, sure I felt trapped in here but. I

feel like I'd have a panic attack going out there in this unfamiliar area.. and I also feel like I'm missing a shit ton of stuff back at home. Once again, I couldn't get a hold of myself. That's besides the point.. I gotta contact Crainer to catch me up on the events we have this month, i would've added it to my calander.. if i really wanted to. Shifting my body felt like a rescue mission.. the amount of guilt that had shot me while Josh was pushing off all his thoughts into words, and i was acting defenseless and idiotic in front of him... all this time, I thought he was still upset about what happened before his trip, and he just wanted to ignore me.. he was just being less affectionate because he was worried about my dreams and dozing off and whatever.. Fortunately, after the couple days of laying in the same room, they've suprisenly died down, but all I'm glad about is not seeing that doppelganger of Josh in my mind. I still can't believe I made up such a thing. How much childish can I be anymore? My brain is already fully developed, isn't it..!? Besides that, are we really just going to sit here and deal with this separately? I mean, right now.. it looks like we really need eachother.

I guess, i just wanna know what he's thinking, or does he not care and let it go already? He doesn't seem as stressed as I do. Apparently, Josh has the power to hide human emotions.. I'll get myself in a worsening situation if i overwhelm myself right next to him because there really isn't anything i need to be so difficult with my head about. Is there? It's usually one day i feel like "he's a shithead" another day. "I miss him" the last day . . . Unexplainable. But this is for the best of us. I want to speak up, as if I'm confessing once again. Whenever i have the chance, I'm just sitting at the edge of the bed and shuffling my fingers, while the target is right behind me.. either thinking more or less. If one of us had the courage to speak up now, or should I just say something? This silence is pissing me off.
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"Josh -" "Listen, Jelly..."

Huh.. we just spoke at the same time. Does that mean, were we both overthinking it. Shit, it's gotta be some coincidence. there's no way. It must be just me who's being so stressed.

"Ah.. you got something to say?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Y-yeah.."

It ended there, but now that we're both finally facing each other, what's the point of turning back, I grit my teeth, trying to build up confidence.

"Oi.. Josh"

"Mh."

"Did you mean what you said?.. you said you were taking me out?"

We both somehow reacted to what i blurted out. Hopefully, i didn't look too ignorant in front of him.

"Yeah. I did, but we don't have to leave if you don't want to."

"N-no. That's not it, I'd like to go..."

Is this some strategy to guide us out of this situation. Im almost more than happy to hear that he's taking me out, but after that, nothing will change. I pushed myself back in my position to avoid anything further. But bladed vision was shooting me in the back of the head. The bed had suddenly felt lighter for a minute because Josh had gotten up, and his footsteps had suddenly reached me. I looked up at him, still wondering why he let me stop our conversation, I just knew he wanted to say something. Huh. He's leaving.