Challenge (MxM) (COMPLETED)

Chapter Forty Eight- Forgiveness

Chapter Forty Eight-   

Noel

"Before we start, I need to get something straight," I tell Hayes before turning to Teagan.

This is the first time I'm addressing him directly in months. I usually just talk to other people about him. I've texted him too, but I haven't spoken to him in a long time. Honestly, I don't want to be here. I'm just getting fed up with everyone acting like I'm the crazy one and I'm sick of feeling like garbage because of this whole situation.

"I'm not here for you. You've already made me look and feel stupid once and I'm never going to give you the chance to do it again. We're never going to get back to how we were. We're never going to patch this up like nothing happened. We're never going to be some big happy family again. I'm here because I want to feel better. Not because I want to forgive you." I clarify.

Teagan looks into my eyes before frowning with a little sigh. "Okay. I understand."

"That's a great start, Noel. I know this isn't about forgiveness for you. Do you want to explain more about what you're hoping to do here?" Hayes asks, giving us prompts like those icebreakers we used to do in school.

"I want to work through my emotions. Like you mentioned last time, it's making it hard for me to sleep, and I always feel this heavy cloud of negativity trying to suffocate me every time someone says his name. I don't like feeling like this. I want to be myself again. I just don't know how." I confess, avoiding eye contact with Teagan as I speak. I don't want to share my personal feelings with him anymore. I don't feel like they're safe with him.

"And Teagan? You've come with Sawyer a few times and you've made a tremendous amount of progress. What are you hoping to gain from this session?"

He takes a deep breath before speaking. "We've worked on guilt a lot. I don't think I'll ever fully be free of feeling like I ruined something special, but I want to know that I at least tried to rectify the damage I've done. I messed up. I know that Noel had a different relationship with me than the other kids did. I was never a father figure to him. He had Sawyer to raise him, but I think I was somewhat of a mentor. I know how disappointing it can be to be let down by somebody you look up to."

I roll my eyes and scoff, but keep my comments to myself as I relax into the chair. Teagan ignored it, but Hayes turns to me. "Do you want to elaborate on why you feel the way you do? We can work on getting to the root of the problem."

"I don't know," I mumble, making Hayes tilt his head like he knows I'm lying.

"Are you upset that Teagan had sex with Wenn?" Hayes asks, making me shake my head.

"No. My anger at him was misplaced at first. I shouldn't have been so mean to Wenn. It wasn't that Teagan slept with him. It was that he didn't care about me. He spouts all this bullshit about being there for me when I need him and then he was just gone." I confess, glaring at my hands.

"We're trying to focus internally. Try to use phrasing like 'I feel' or 'I think' so as not to assume the feelings and thoughts of other people based on your interpretation." Hayes reminds me, earning another eye roll.

"Okay. I feel like he doesn't give a shit about me because he packed all his things and fucking left without saying a word to me."

"I left because Sawyer didn't want me there. He told me to get out." Teagan insists, turning to face me now.

"I'm not Sawyer!" I scream at him, locking eyes with him before finally letting everything boil to the surface. "Is that all I am to you? I'm just his little brother? You told me that your relationship with him was independent of your relationship with me. You told me it wouldn't matter if you broke up because you'd still care about me. I trusted you! You promised me that you'd be there for me when I needed you. Well, I needed you! Where the fuck were you? I don't care if he didn't want you there. I wanted you there, you fucking cunt."