krayon patah. [tercekal sementara]

52. He Needs Me, He Needs Me

tw: mentioning of r@pe

"I'm sorry for everything."

Jingga diam.

"I.. um, to make it up, wanna go for the sunset, maybe? Terus kita pulangnya besok, kayak yang direncanain."

Jingga harus mendorong sedikit kopernya menjauh. Ia menghela napas, lalu menatap Raka menyalang. "Kenapa?"

Raka menghela napasnya.

"Bukannya harusnya aku yang minta maaf? Karena aku tiba-tiba nyelonong pulang, gitu, kan?"

"I didn't have any reason to go home. I was just dramatic and, oh—why couldn't I understand that they were all joking? Hell, I'm such a sensitive b!tch, aren't I? Too much to handle, oh," sarkasnya tak habis-habis.

"Kak, I know i make you mad, but please listen to me—,"

"No, YOU listen to me!" Jingga memungkas. "Kenapa lo marah banget gue mau pulang? Ekspektasi lo gue mau tetep seoksigen sama lo dan sirkel brengsek lo itu?"

"Lo ngajak gue ke sana lagi maksudnya apa?"

"No, it will be just the two of us—I-I mean," gagap Raka. "But it's just as long as you want to, tapi intinya aku nggak ngajak siapa-siapa selain Kakak, kok."

"What, are you gonna push me off of the edge after that? To kill me?"

Raka mengernyit, menggeleng cepat.

Jingga menatapnya sinis, lalu menggulir bola matanya. "Oh." Ia terkekeh sarkas. "Are you gonna r@pe me—?"

"Kak." Raka membentak. "You're so fucking unbelievable."

"I just want to make everythings right. Why do you have to say that?" Suara Raka seakan belati runcing yang menusuknya. Gemapnya menunjukkan bahwa ia juga sadar ia barusan kelewatan.

Jingga diam. Raka menggebu, suaranya gemetar. Udara yang masuk ke paru-parunya tak terkendali.

Namun air mata menyeruak memaksa keluar, membuat sekujur wajahnya memanas. "Because every boy that I met are either likes my friend or wants to r@pe me! You dont fucking know how much of a hell does it like to feel unworthy, as if you were just an empty body for them. They either hates my body or only likes me for my body. And I hate it, I hate it so bad, Raka! Being a woman hurts like hell!"

"I have done everything sejak SMP to be noticed, to be liked. I would do my hair with different hairstyle everyday, wore lots of sweet candy flavoured perfume, wear accesories. So maybe a boy will notice, like, "Oh, Jingga is actually pretty," and liked me. I do it to be loved. To be needed. Bahkan pacar pertama gua, umur empat belas tahun, dia terang-terangan ngaku kalo dia suka gua karena dia nafsu sama gua. Not because my hair is pretty, not because I smell good, not because I'm cute. I have never been loved in a way I've always wanted. It's always because of my body."

"That's why I worked, and worked hard. I try to make everyone's happy with my grades, so they will like me and I can still feel worthy. Feel like I have something to liked. I'm nothing without my grades, and now I'm falling my grades, and someone I love likes my best friend, and I experience sexual assault again, and now I ruin everything I have build for years."

"And now I'm nothing."

Air mata Jingga meleleh. Berjatuhan layaknya hujan yang mampir dulu ke muka genteng. Bersama luruhnya sakit yang bertahun-tahun ia rasa sebagai bayarnya menjadi seorang perempuan.