Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Heartbreak

Past:

"you aren't even that pretty" 

i rolled my eyes. 

"but i have never seen anyone prettier"

i tried to keep a straight face but couldn't help but smile. 

"stop playing with me" i hit his chest playfully but he took my hand in his and placed it over his heart.

"let's go somewhere beautiful soon. there are a lot of words here." 

"say them." i whispered.

"not now"

he smiled softly and let go of my hand. i couldn't take my eyes off his bright doe eyes and rose tinted cheeks. 

i will wait for you.

"joshua, let's meet again soon." 

joshua tilted his head adorably and nodded with a sad pouty smile.

"but just us next time."

"yeah just us." i agreed as i saw seungkwan send a flying kick towards soonyoung in the background.

i had never imagined there won't be any next time for us.

....

"aarinn~ where were you?" jeonghan whined and pulled me on the chair beside him as soon as joshua and i entered the restaurant again. 

"i was just getting some fresh air" i shouted over dk singing on the karaoke. 

i was waiting for joshua to sit beside me but dk started offering him the mic to sing and mingyu sat beside me instead.

i can't just pick and throw a 6'2 guy somewhere else

"why are you making that sour face?" mingyu asked and i realized my expression was too honest. i faked a smile quickly. "i was wondering how strong you are"

he made a judgmental face. "you are weird."

i pretended to laugh and rolled my eyes. 

joshua was probably watching me as he laughed between the lyrics and scrunched his nose while pouting sadly at me.

he gave me a thumbs up before handing the mic to seungkwan forcefully and stealing his place to sit across me. suddenly joshua's eyes drifted from me to my left. i followed his gaze to my left and caught jeonghan looking at me. 

he blinked and smiled awkwardly. 

"i was just-" jeonghan leaned closer to me and tucked the stray hair behind my ear. "now you are even more pretty" he smiled sweetly and looked away when the food came in as if nothing unusual happened. 

i looked back at joshua but he was looking down at his food instead. he seemed upset for some reason.

maybe he doesn't want me to be close to jeonghan anymore? i didn't think he would be the jealous type.

joshua's mood was down throughout the dinner and i lost my appetite in worry. we were the first ones to finish eating. 

"arin, if you are done should we go out?" joshua asked and i nodded in response. 

since it was a terrace restaurant, there was a beautifully decorated deck. i followed behind him as he walked towards the balcony without looking back even once.

"is something wrong?" i felt impatient and i think he sensed it because then he smiled at me warmly. 

it didn't calm me down.

if anything it made my heart race even more.

because joshua's eyes were glossy with moisture. 

something was definitely wrong.

he brushed his fingers against my cheek softly and freed the hair jeonghan tucked behind my ear. 

"you look prettier this way."

"joshua i -"

"ssshhhh"

his hand cupped my jaw and he leaned closer. i closed my eyes as he tilted his head.

joshua's soft lips landed on mine and i kissed him back without hesitation. it was our first kiss but it felt desperate. as if he was saying good bye.

i circled my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. he did the same with the other hand on my back.

i didn't want to pull away. it seemed as if he would disappear as soon as i open my eyes. but he stepped away nonetheless.

"arin" his voice was so soft. so careful. as if he was compensating for the words he knew were going to hurt me.

"i love you"

i knitted my brows in confusion. he said he would say that some other day. so why suddenly? why in such a regretful tone?

"i love you so fucking much. but-"

my eyes started watering at the 'but'. there was nothing more i wanted to hear.

joshua took a deep breath and he seemed to be fighting his own tears. 

"we can't - we can't be a thing. i am sorry."

i felt my heart shatter into pieces. it hurt so hard. 

"if you aren't ready i can wait for you." i tried to plead even though i knew he had made his mind already. "JOSHUA I LOVE YOU!"

joshua looked around but i didn't care who heard me. 

"you can't just -"

"i am sorry arin." he didn't wait for me to finish. 

he left. 

and i was alone under the dark sky with only a broken heart to hold on to.

:o Cookie : arin never told jeonghan about her past feelings for joshua because she was afraid he will leave her just like joshua did.