Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Secrets and Lies

"i am going to tell him"

my heart dropped at his words. joshua was sitting on his bed while i stood in front of me with my arms folded in front of my chest.

"you will tell him that you kissed me?"

his head was hanging low and he closed his eyes at my words as if he still couldn't believe that such a thing happened. 

"that and everything else." joshua answered. it seemed he had thought about it a lot because his words seemed practiced. "i am tired of keeping secrets. jeonghan deserves to know."

"and after that?" i questioned. "can you afford to lose his trust?"

"do i even deserve his trust?" 

"you were drunk! we both were. it was a mistake."

joshua sighed and i gulped nervously. he didn't look persuaded. but i can't tell jeonghan. i can't even imagine losing him. not because of a drunk mistake. that's all it was. a slip. 

"and everything before that? was it also a mistake?" joshua stoop up suddenly. his jaw was clenched in anger. 

"you made sure i wouldn't forget you." it was as if there was a fire in his usually soft eyes as he pointed at me with an accusatory tone. "sitting beside me, pretending to care for me in front of everyone and then punishing me with your hate. you kept me hooked on you and now you have got your revenge. i am a mess! are you satisfied?"

i was at a loss of words as i stared at him with watery eyes. i was trying my best to forgive him all this while and this is what my efforts looked like to him. 

"don't blame me for your lack of control joshua"

he scoffed. "you aren't the victim here arin. you didn't stop me until it was too late. we are on the same boat."

except we aren't. i would never do that to jeonghan. i was drunk and overwhelmed by emotions but i pushed him back as soon as i regained my strength. it was unfair that i was in a crisis because of his feelings.

"you won't say anything and that's final. i love him joshua and i can't let you break my heart twice"

the eye contact was intense and it seemed as if everything was heating up. the air was thick with frustration and hurt and it seemed as if there was infinite friction between our arguments.

"if it's love then tell him the truth. tell him everything that ever happened between us. do it"

"i can't" i shook my head from side to side. jeonghan is the only person i want to keep no matter what and i just can't risk it. i can't tell him that i used to like joshua or that he still likes me. "i won't and you won't either."

"it would be much worse if he finds out from someone else."

but no one else knows. and if we force ourselves to forget then it would be buried in the dust of time.

"if we keep it to ourselves then he will never know and nothing will change." 

i could sense the desperation in my voice heightening but i couldn't hide it. i was grasping everything that could possible persuade him.

"i can't keep it to myself anymore."

"you have to. you owe me that much. i can't lose jeonghan, i don't care if it's wrong to hide it from him. but it's already been 2 years, you can handle more."

joshua sighed and i knew he won't be able to resist for much longer. that was the only way to protect our relationship with jeonghan. he would be heartbroken if he comes to know that joshua kissed me even if he was drunk.

"you are destroying me in the process. is that okay?"

i felt a knot form in my stomach. my heart felt heavy as i averted my gaze from his glimmering eyes. 

"if jeonghan leaves me-"

"so it's a yes." he scoffed bitterly. "alright. i won't tell him. but if he asks me then i won't lie either."

i felt sorry but also furious at the same time. why did you even do it joshua? why did you push me over the edge?

"then we are done. for life." 

his eyes softened a little as the realization that this was the last time we would ever talk dawned on him. neither of us could've foreseen this end. joshua ran a hand through his hair anxiously and it was breaking me to see how much a mistake had damaged us. he looked so conflicted and troubled.

despite all my fears i stepped closer to him and hugged him. he was taken aback but perhaps he knew there was no time for doubts. he cried on my shoulder as i patted his back to comfort him. that was the last act of friendship i would ever do for him.  

"this is the last time" i said as i comforted him. i was asking him for too much and i had to give him the strength to handle it. even though i was feeling suffocated in that room. i had to do it to make sure nothing changes between me and jeonghan. 

i stepped back as soon as i could and we shared a concluding glance before i left him behind. forever.

...

"you took so long to come back"

jeonghan complained as soon as i entered the living room again. i wished he wouldn't notice the redness in my eyes. he pulled me to sit beside him and i chuckled sadly as i rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

it was messy but it's over. and i will make it up to him because he's everything to me. i would do anything to make him happy and then will be okay again.

"how is everything between you and shua?" jeonghan asked suddenly and i felt my body tense up.

"it's fine ... i guess."

"good."

"where's mingyu?" seungcheol asked me and i knitted my brows in confusion.

"how would i know?"

"didn't you see him?"

i shook my head. "he probably got distracted" hoshi said and they laughed. i shrugged it off. i was in jeonghan's embrace and i didn't care about anything else.

:o Cookie:
joshua felt stuck in a dilemma. he had to go against his own conscience because arin made him feel guilty and he felt like he had to do as she says no matter how wrong it felt.