Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Late or never

"go away soojin." 

i responded to the footsteps without tearing my gaze from the dark. i have been staring at the pitch black garden for who knows how long. even my mind is empty. how did i manage to fuck my life up this bad?

"do i sound like the little director? gym was a waste then."

my head snapped toward in his direction. wonwoo was the last person i was expecting to see tonight. he leaned on the railing a few feet away from me.

"i saw what happened. jeonghan loses his mind around you."

i kept my eyes in front of me as i nodded. people say that it's difficult to lie when you are drunk. perhaps i still have an effect on jeonghan or maybe he still feels hurt because of me.

"i am the one losing my mind."

i usually don't open up to people but hara said she was busy and i don't have anyone else. wonwoo isn't too bad. he has never done anything to make me hate him.

he might be the only one who doesn't dislike me.

"i thought you didn't want anything to do with him?"

"i thought so too."

my breath got shaky as i held back tears. jeonghan broke me with that kiss. what am i gonna do now? all i wanted was to get this job done and never see his face again. 

all i wanted was to run away but he shoved that mess right into my face.

why are all the kisses in my life so complicated?

"you both are idiots."

i was about to drop a few tears and blink my eyes like in dramas. why did he ruin the mood?

"why am I an idiot?"

wonwoo flashed a small smile but soon his expression was solemn again. he hung his head low as he fiddled with the ring on his little finger.

"i am not going to judge you like others arin. those guys are no better than you. they are shifting all the blame on you just to excuse what the hyungs did."

my jaw clenched as i stared at wonwoo with anticipation. i don't know what's going on with the rest of the guys but if wonwoo thinks they are wrong then it must mean he doesn't believe their claims.

"there's something i have learnt in the last few years. i have tried to tell them about it and they can't understand it. but i have a feeling you would."

wonwoo turned towards me and our eyes met for the first time. whatever he was going to say, i could sense that it was important for him.

"you have lost a lot of people too so you would know how suffocating regret is. sometimes we meet a person for the last time without even realizing but you are lucky arin. you know this show is the last time you will meet jeonghan. don't let it be regretful."

"what do you want me to do?"

"nothing. but there must be something you want from yourself. i know you are the kind to listen to your brain. but try trusting your heart this time."

i scoffed and looked away from his discerning gaze. i don't even know how to do that. and what if my heart doesn't lie like my brain?

"you still love him don't you?"

yes.

i mean no.

what the fuck.

maybe. maybe i still love him. but does it make any sense?

"better too late than never. believe me, if you don't clear this up, you will always live with regret. you need to cherish people while they are still around."

but what would i even say to him? i didn't cheat on you? but that would just lead us down a rabbit hole of all the misunderstandings. and i am not sure i am ready to go down that path.

wonwoo didn't wait for me to answer. he just patted my back before leaving. 

does he enjoy pushing people into existential crisis?

or perhaps he said the right thing to the wrong person. i have already lost jeonghan. instead of asking him what was wrong with him. i broke up.

because what better way to reaffirm your fucked up sense of self protection than to leave everyone who makes you feel weak?

i guess i can't handle when things go right for too long. i am hard to love and jeonghan learnt that the hard way.

:o Cookie: when jeonghan was told about what he did when he was drunk, he felt guilty for kissing arin without her consent. he wondered if the incident made her hate him even more.