Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

The question

Small talk isn't my cup of tea.

so instead of asking him how he is doing, i came straight to the point.

"do you still love me?"

jeonghan choked on his drink in surprise. 

we were at the han river side, walking side by side with a can of alcohol free beer in our hands.  The skyline of seoul shimmered in the distance, its buildings outlined in gold and silver, while the river reflected the moonlight, almost like a mirror of the sky. I could hear the soft rustle of the trees along the path as the wind danced through them. it was peaceful - if only my mind wasn't so chaotic.

i raised my head slightly to look up at him, my eyes widening on their own as if batting my lashes dramatically would be enough for him to say yes. 

i always have a back up plan of course, the han river is right there... just kidding. if he says no then i will probably be sad - or maybe i would be birthing rivers from my eyes. but i would understand. and i won't be sad all the time. i will be happy when i work. i will be happy when i meet my friends. and i will be even happier when i meet my cats. but that's all it would be - happiness.

but with jeonghan, i feel not just happy but content. 

jeonghan stared at me for a couple of seconds as if he was wondering what's inside my head and it felt like this was the moment destiny would finally tell me to get my act together and just move on.

i couldn't read him but then the faintest hint of a smile appeared on his face.

"it's nice to see you still retain your quirks"

i blinked wondering if i should be flattered or offended but jeonghan has always confused me on that part. 

"what - what do you mean?" i asked confused and he chuckled softly as if he was very amused.

"i mean you have changed but you aren't different" he said patting my shoulder. "that's a good thing" he added seeing his words slide right over my head.

"okay. thanks?" i said unsure what to make of it. "but that's not what i asked by a long shot?"

in hindsight perhaps he just gave me a chance to not embarrass myself and like the genius i am, i just dodged it perfectly. no thanks i am dying to feel the shame of getting rejected. again.

"oh yeah." jeonghan's confidence didn't falter. he looked away and continued walking again, me falling in step beside him. "you see ... i was afraid you might try to normalize yourself. but i see you are still you but perhaps more healthier which is nice to see and i .."

he continued rambling this and that and i had started to wonder if he was doing it again. trying to indirectly tell me not ask that question. but again, no thanks.

"that's not what i asked jeonghan. do you love me or not?" i interrupted annoyance lurking in my voice.

but jeonghan seemed to be having the time of his life.

"well all i am saying is love ..." he began looking at a distance like he was about to give me a life lesson. "it's like breathing. you don't realize it's value until you get a cold. and then when your nose is blocked, you think about all the times you took a breath and never thought much of it when it was actually the best feeling in the world. and you dream of how nice it would be to be able to smell anything even if it's your members sweat after a dance practice."

i scrunched my nose at the metaphor but he continued unbothered, his tone like an ancient monk.

"we see the sky everyday and don't bother to look up. but when we do we are still mesmerized, no matter how many times we have seen it. we marvel at how it changes and yet we take comfort in it's consistency. it's beautiful really, how something can be different everyday and still remain the same thing"

"what's that have to do with me?" i said rolling my eyes.

"what i mean is, i am glad that you change and evolve. i am glad that your life has changed. i am glad your values have changed and i am glad that you are happy in your life now."

his eyes seemed to hold something deeper as he stopped walking and took both my hands in his. the faint scent of wet grass and the dewy night enveloping us. the streetlights glimmered in his black eyes and for a moment i felt as if i would never look anywhere else.

"but i am also thankful that you are still the same arin. that the way you laugh and the way you smile hasn't changed. that you still remain playful and brave in the strangest ways. that you still haven't given up on us. and....." 

the corners of his lips turned up in a playful smile. 

"i am thankful that when i ask you to be my girlfriend, you will still say yes."

A/N:

to no one's surprise, this story has a happy ending.

a few more chapters and this book will finally come to an end. thankyou for being so patient and tolerating my inconsistent writing and plot. 

but i had fun writing it. this is the second book i published and the first time i tried first person povs and i have to say it's my fav style. i just love how easy it is to add both humor and emotions in first person pov.

and don't forget to check out my two newly published books.

Bad Clue - a seventeen crime mystery

and 

Ideal Type - a seungkwan ff (also in a first person pov) - it's a rom-com so if you liked dust then you will probably like this one too.

alright, see you soon :)