Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

This is it?

unlike earlier when i walked up slowly, every step i took was filled with determination. i kept moving despite the chilling air and the heavy snow cover near my feet. the sun was at the horizon already. i shouted her name as much as i could but there was no response.

the moon was shining down on me from above. it's pristine moonlight still faint because of the sun's glow. but i could feel it on my skin like a caress. it was frightening to be alone surrounded by tall conical trees and the eerie layer of white covering everything as far as eyes could see. the day kept dimming with every labored breath and apart from the sound of the snow crunching under my feet. it was quiet.

but the scary atmosphere wasn't actually scaring me. it had heightened my senses and it felt rejuvenating to be able to feel something once more. i hadn't realized how under stimulated my senses were. 

it was as if everything i had felt until now was fake and i was finally seeing the real world and realizing the real purposes of the emotions that always overpowered me.

fear was there to keep me away from danger.

defensiveness was there to protect me.

self interest was there to help me survive.

every wrong thing was something right used at the wrong place. and suddenly it made me think maybe i am the same way.

maybe i am just at the wrong place.

 my thoughts were interrupted by a sound that i was sure i didn't make. it was a footstep. a very tired footstep. i should have felt more paranoid but for some reason i felt a burst of joy.

"soojin!" i shouted as i ran towards the source and i unknowingly chuckled when i saw her face. she looked so scared and tired but her eyes lit up as soon as she saw me.

without a second thought, i ran up to her and pulled her in a hug. she was taken aback and so was i but i hadn't realized how worried i was that she might have been hurt.

"are you okay?" i scanned her body as i stepped away. she had frostbites on her hands but seemed okay apart from that.

"i-i was so scared." i looked up at her face on hearing her nervous voice and was surprised to see that she was tearing up. "i was alone and i didn't know where to go." she started to cry into her hands and i was surprised by the sudden turn of events. i touched her forearms awkwardly, unsure how to comfort someone but then i recalled how jeonghan did it. 

he just lets me cry. 

so i held her somewhat awkwardly as she sobbed. i wished she would stop crying soon so we could go back and i was getting kind of bored of just standing there.

"i am sorry" i said after a while. "i should take care of you as your senior. i am sorry for everything" 

"it's okay mam." she wiped her tears and smiled at me.

i was caught off guard by how easily she forgave me. is forgiveness this easy?  i can't understand her at all.

i carry grudges till the grave.

it was already dark and the moonlight and our flashlights were the only thing illuminating our way. it was getting scarier by the minute and the paths all seemed the same. the cold was almost unbearable and the snowfall was making it difficult to see or breathe.

"what should we do?" soojin asked timidly.

"phone calls aren't working there's no network." i replied trying to hide my own panic.

i had started to take a liking to nature but this night is making me second doubt my decision.

"BOO!"

soojin and i screamed so loud that our high pitched screams pierced through the air like daggers. i was scared out of my wits and i looked back to see jeonghan and seungkwan laughing.

when my heart stopped racing, i realized they shouldn't be there at all. i placed my hands on my hips furiously.

"why aren't you at the cabin?"

"jeez calm down. we came back for you." seungkwan said holding his hands in the air in surrender.

"it's impossible to find the way unless you have seen it already and i didn't want you to freeze outside" jeonghan explained seriously.

when i didn't say anything jeonghan stepped towards me. he took one of my hands and squeezed it.

"i am sorry for everything that happened today. we have cleared things up and now there's no reason to argue. just let me take you to safety and i swear you will never see me again."

what he said was the opposite of what i wanted to hear but i nodded anyway. i didn't speak or even glance in his direction throughout the way. i was clinging to seungkwan like my life depended on it while jeonghan had his arm around soojin, helping her walk.

a weird arrangement.

"what are you going to do?" seungkwan whispered suddenly making me flinch.

"about what?" i asked pretending to not understand.

"you still love him. what are you gonna do about that?"

"he doesn't want me anymore" i chuckled bitterly. "even if he did, i don't want it. i need some time to myself seungkwan. we both need to heal."

seungkwan hummed and squeezed my hand to comfort me. i could hear jeonghan and soojin talk to each other in whispers but i couldn't make it out. 

is this really how it ends?