Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Leftover

i wanted him to hug me. to say that he still loved me and that we could be the way we were again.

but jeonghan kept a straight face. my confession didn't seem to melt him.

his eyes had sadness in them but perhaps he was just trying to protect himself. i blinked the tears away and stared at him with pleading eyes but he didn't react.

i knew there was no point to hope for his love again. he had given up on me and it was time to let go of him. for once i didn't want to be selfish.

"just make sure you forget me this time." i said to him and walked away to wherever my feet would take me.

i felt exposed and vulnerable. i wanted someone to cover me but no matter how hard i thought there was no one. no seungkwan. no seungcheol. no joshua .... no jeonghan.

not even hara.

somehow the fact that i couldn't just run away and call hara like i used to pained more than any thing else. she is like my sister but i knew i couldn't pass my load to her anymore. 

what did i do all my life to end up alone? i was so busy dreaming about what i didn't have that i lost everything that i had. 

my brother, my friends, my love.

i heard rustling of feet and whispers as they settled down and talked to each other. it was supposed to be a happy day but all our plans were wrecked by the weather. it was a waste of the last day.

 'you need to cherish people while they are still around.'

wonwoo's words were coming to my mind. i wish i had realized what he meant earlier. i wish i had talked to jeonghan while he still loved me. but now it's too late.

their voices drowned out and i collapsed on the ground, my knees digging into the chilling snow as i found myself unable to handle the loss i was feeling. i had never anticipated the effect their words would have on me.

seungcheol the one who was always there for me back then. he always made fun of me but he was also the one to comfort me when i felt the weakest. he cared so much for me. how much did i hurt him for him to say those kind of words to me?

how terribly did i break jeonghan's trust for him to doubt if i ever loved him at all?

joshua was right when he said that i should tell jeonghan everything honestly. if i had listened to him none of this would've happened. but i was too blind with my fears. i didn't want jeonghan to break my heart so i did it myself. 

i broke into muffled sobs as i turned my head down, staring at my tears falling on the ever increasing snow. 

"arin" a deep voice sounded from behind me and i tried to stop myself from sobbing but i failed. he kneeled down beside me and placed his hand under my cheek, raising my head gently.

"i am sorry for leaving you." 

he said and i stared at him for a second before engulfing him into a hug. i needed it so much. he hugged me tightly and i found myself melting into his strong hold as i cried into his chest. he patted the back of my head, letting me bawl my eyes out without interruption.

finally he was here. 

even if everyone else left. he was still here. 

"thank you seungkwan" i told him once i calmed down a little bit. seungkwan just hummed but he didn't let me go. "we should go back now if we don't won't to get lost. i will hold your hand alright?" he said softly and i nodded.

as we walked back, i realized that the camera directors were already there with some locals who would help get us to the lodgings above. they had brought extra coats to protect us from the cold and some of them had compasses and first aid kits in case someone got hurt because of the storm. i was holding onto seungkwan's arm tightly which didn't go unnoticed but i didn't care anymore.

"ms. song have you seen soojin?" he asked me and i shook my head, perplexed by the question.

"i was told that she was going to join us and was right behind us. but it seems she lost her way"

i furrowed my brows as i went over his words. she was supposed to catch up to us and we have been at the same place for an hour and i didn't even catch a glimpse of her. the snowfall was also increasing with time and sunset was only a few hours away.

"we need to send some one to find her." i said to him and he sighed in response.

"no one can come from downhill because of the snow and these are all the people we have." he gestured towards the emergency team he brought. "we need the whole team to get 13 people there"

"then what about soojin?"

"we can come back for her if it's not dark. or we will search for her in the morning."

i contemplated the situation. soojin was somewhere alone on the track and the snow will make it impossible to know the right way. it was also important to ensure the safety of the guys first. and soojin was in no real danger since it was a safe hill. 

but wouldn't it be scary to be alone in the dark?

"take the guys, i will go look for her" i said indifferently and his eyes widened. the others turned to look at me too.

"but ms. song, you might get lost-"

"it's not up for discussion mr. kim." i said firmly as i let go of seungkwan and wore the overcoat the emergency team had brought. "it's a command. take the artists to the lodgings safely and make sure they are warm. i am the one who brought soojin here so she is my responsibility."

"i am not leaving you here" jeonghan said catching me off guard.

"yeah it's dangerous to be alone in a storm at night" scoups backed him, and all of them were looking at me with concern etched on their faces. 

"we should look for her together" seungkwan suggested and woozi expressed his agreement.

i wouldn't reject help but right now i was at work and i needed to make sure i do my job well. and perhaps deep down, i also wanted to be left alone in the night. away from the whirlwind of the world, i wanted to listen to my heartbeat. i wanted to feel my breath. i wanted to slow down and realize that i was just a human. and no matter how much i lose, i still had something.

i had myself. 

the untainted, unfragmented self that was hidden by a fog of experiences. but i could get there. 

somewhere in the tranquility of night, i would find her again. 

"i am grateful for your concern but as i said it's not up for debate. seventeen's safety is our priority." 

i purposefully gave more weight to the word seventeen because i wanted to let them know that they had a role to play right now. they weren't just someone i know. they are the artists millions care about.

"she is right. let's go." seungcheol took the hint and unwillingly urged the members to follow the emergency team to safety. he looked back at me one last time but i ignored it.

i have more important things to do.

one of them is fixing a life. or whatever's left of it.