Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

minus 1 friend

i had a hard time sleeping.

and an even harder time waking up. but soojin banged my door loud enough to rip my soul from my body. so yeah.. it was a pretty calm morning.

that day's shoot was no different from any other day. seungkwan was still ignoring me. rest didn't care. joshua didn't even look at me, but he wasn't ignoring me like seungkwan. he just looked like he couldn't look at me.

perhaps what i said that day hurt him a lot. 

but i don't regret anything. he has hurt me a hundred fold. it took me almost a whole year to get over him. and if jeonghan wasn't there to cheer me up, it would have taken longer.

the sad thing is, after i broke up with jeonghan, there was no one else to help me.

maybe that's why it feels like the pain never really vanished. i just learned to ignore it with time. i used to feel guilty for leaving jeonghan. and i often asked seungkwan if he was okay, but seungkwan always said he didn't know. that jeonghan refused to talk about me and never told them anything.

but now that i know what jeonghan actually told them, i no longer pity him. there's only anger and resentment in my heart.

in the lunch break i decided to call hara again. she picked up in seconds and was already asking me what happened with a worried tone.

"hey calm down. nothing happened." i tried to assure her. i was expecting her to laugh or something but instead she asked the thing i didn't want to answer.

"did you talk to seungkwan?"

i hesitated to answer already knowing she was going to scold me. "you didn't right?" 

"umm.. no" 

"SONG ARIN! do you even consider him a friend?"

i was taken aback by hara's tone. she was always very chill and her furious voice shocked me. 

"of-ofcourse i do."

"then don't you think he deserves an explanation at least?"

"he knew what his members were saying about me and didn't do anything. why should i talk to him?"

"but he doesn't know that's the reason you didn't pick up his calls. you've ghosted him way too many times and he was always the one who came to you no matter what. don't you at least owe him an explanation this time?"

i felt really sour.

every time i called hara she encouraged me, made me feel better about myself but this time she was blaming me. and the worst part was that she wasn't completely wrong.

i am an ungrateful bitch, i guess.

"fine i will talk to him."

"and when are you going to confront mingyu?"

"never?"

hara sighed and i prepared myself for another speech that was going to ruin my mood. for the first time i ever, i wished i hadn't called her at all.

"uh- i am sorry it's an urgent call. i will be back in 5 minutes. sorry." 

i waited patiently as she seemed to be talking to someone else. i forgot it's still working hours for her. but it doesn't matter, she always picks up.

"arin i don't have much time but listen to me this once. talk this out, you won't get any more chances to get the answers."

"hmm"

"promise me!"

"hara stop it. i wanted to talk to you but instead you are trying to command me."

"i am trying to make you see the reality"