Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Good Bye

"mam are you fine? is something wrong? did you fall on your head?"

"jeez soojin i am fine."

"why are you smiling?"

i looked back at her in disbelief. do i really not smile enough for people to think something's wrong with me?

i am smiling but i can't say that i am truly happy. i feel fixed emotions right now. on one hand i have seungkwan back and some ideas for what to do in the future. on the other hand, jeonghan is going to leave in 15 minutes.

i haven't seen him since last night. 

my heels made a rhythmic sound as i was walking with soojin behind me when suddenly someone pulled me by my forearm into a room. i panicked and was about to use my taekwondo skills when i realized it was scoups.

"what the-" i was about to swear when he arched his brow as if to challenge me to say the next word.

"motherfuc-"

"oh shut up" he uttered annoyed at his failed attempt to intimidate me.

"why? let me enjoy my last few moments of being a bitch before i try to change" i replied innocently and he sighed like a tired mother.

"i apologize for what i said yesterday."

your conscience is ugly.

i can't forget what he said. although i was acting like i was fine since the morning, i was far from it. his words stinged but i believed them completely. it was one of the reasons i asked jeonghan to find someone better. 

i don't deserve him.

"i don't accept apologies for saying the truth." i said, my voice firm while my insides feel shaky. he sighed again, frustrated at himself for the damage he had done. seungcheol knew me very well and he knew that i didn't have a good image of myself to begin with. if it wasn't for all the sweet words jeonghan said yesterday, i would have despised myself even more.

"what you said about me not being there for you, it was so true that i felt annoyed at myself for not realizing it before. i am sorry for not protecting you. i am sorry for being the one to hurt you the most with my words. i reflected on it all night. and i know i was being unreasonable to blame you for everything when we all share some fault."

"i am not mad at you" i replied and tried to leave when he hugged me suddenly. i was flustered by it.

"you are not a bad person arin. don't believe what i said. you are a bit out of your mind but you aren't evil."

i was at a loss of words. am i supposed to feel comforted by that?

"okay?" i replied unsure of what else to say.

"won't you hug me back?" he said in a sulky deep voice. 

how can someone who was so scary yesterday change so much overnight? i hugged him back awkwardly. i still felt hurt by all the anger he had poured out on me but i knew it was all a result of the hurt i caused them. he must have been stressed when things became tense between jeonghan and joshua.

soojin cleared her throat from the door and he almost jumped in fear. he let out a relieved breath as it was just soojin. she knew absolutely nothing yet kept whatever she saw to herself. i wonder what she thinks the story is.

"it's time to leave." she informed and seungcheol gave me a friendly smile which i tried hard to return but i was too tense to make it look natural.

"won't you meet jeonghan?"

"if i meet him right now, i will have to say good bye. i really can't do it anymore" i said smiling to conceal the affliction i was truly feeling. 

"jeonghan said the same" 

he said and left leaving me frozen as his words registered. i smiled before i realized and i told myself the same thing again and again.

nothing lasts forever. not even the wait.

i peeked from behind the door, as seventeen members got into their cars. i thought i wasn't visible to them but when it was jeonghan's turn he looked back one last time and his eyes landed on me. 

he stared at me for a couple seconds, the sadness in his eyes veiled by a fond smile. the bitter sweet taste of our last kiss recollecting in my mind. 

in an instant, the gloominess was replaced by determination as he turned away and got into the car waiting to take him home.

far away from me.

i watched the car disappear feeling as if it was taking a part of soul from me. but i didn't let myself linger on the heartache.

if he is the destination then i could get through hell just fine.