Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Liar

"do you hate me too jeonghan?"

jeonghan released me, distancing himself so our eyes could meet. the words hung in the air for what seemed to be an eternity as we stared at each other. the weight of our reality was crushing me down.

"arin.."

"everyone does." 

i said as he trailed off, taking his silence as a yes. he placed his hands over mine which were resting on my lap. 

"it's alright. you messed up out there but i am sure everything will be okay once you apologize."

i scoffed at the suggestion. "i have a hard time accepting my mistakes jeonghan"

"if you don't accept your mistakes then you won't be able to make up for it. it's just going to mess everything up more."

but it's already a mess. i am a mess. and soojin would have realized it at some point even if i didn't hurt her today.

"they always corner me until i explode"

i recalled everything that happened since the morning. the way my coworkers cornered me until i was alone. the anger had built up. i was mad at them blaming me for things i didn't do until i did it. and the wrong person fell victim. 

until a month ago, everything was going alright. how did it get so bad?

"how others treat you is not an excuse to your own behavior"

i looked into his eyes as he said that, the truth in his statement striking the last string keeping my self worth from shattering.

pouring all anger on your juniors? 
i just became everything i used to hate and didn't even realize when.

"you didn't answer my question. do you hate me?"

he sighed, running his hand through his hair in frustration. i guess i am demanding too much. it wasn't his responsibility to help me but he still did and here i am probing him for answers. but i can't help it. 

i was barely holding on, clinging to the slight hope that he would deny it.

"i tried"

even though i was expecting a worse answer, his worlds still stinged. jeonghan stepped even farther from me, the coldness seeping in once again as his warmth retreated.

"i tried my best to hate you... it didn't work"

my eyes stayed locked into his, the pain and desperation of the moment overriding my fear and anxiousness. i just had to know.

"then why?" i breathed deeply trying to stabilize my shaky breath. "why did you paint me as a cheater?"

jeonghan's gaze turned down at my upfront question. he was clearly caught off-guard but we both knew it was coming.

"i know arin. stop trying to act naive."

"what are you even-"

"are you still going to deny the truth? i know about you and joshua."

jeonghan interjected sharply, all softness gone from his demeanor. there was only anger and detest carving fine lines on his forehead.

"how-" my voice trembled with anguish as i tried to wrap my head around the revelation. the unfairness of the situation overwhelming me with a sense of helplessness. 

"was it my fault? i was hurt too jeonghan!" tremors ran through my body as i shouted, pouring all my energy out. i could barely hold myself up but jeonghan's face didn't show any sign of pity. instead his gaze hardened even more, piercing through me with an intensity that made me want to disappear. 

"you are a liar." i froze at his hurtful words. jeonghan took a step towards me, emotionless and merciless eyes boring into me with a disappointment i had never imagined i will have to see. "i thought you were just scared of confrontation but no .. you are just a liar. and you are still lying"

"you are wrong"

i managed to utter, staring at him with wide eyes. i hid the truth but i didn't lie. i should've told him but this is exactly what i was scared of.

"i can see the guilt in your eyes arin. stop lying to yourself."

"what kind of twisted truth do you want me to believe?"

jeonghan scoffed, his eyes revealing the chaos of emotion behind his neutrality. he was never this harsh. but i guess people change with time. and sometimes they change in such a way that they can no longer fit together.

"leave it arin. you were right, let's not meet each other again"

i stared at him with wide eyes. the meaning of his words sinking in slowly. on the first day jeonghan had tried to talk to me and now.. he was giving up on me. my jaw clenched as i struggled to keep my eyes dry.

jeonghan took another step towards me, breaking the bitter eye contact to turn his gaze towards his wrist. he removed the bracelet from his hand and threw it towards me. the black bracelet landed on my lap and if it was possible, my heart shattered into even smaller fragments. the finality of this confrontation engulfing me in a cruel grasp.

"i wore this in hope that we may still have a connection after all. i wanted to explain everything to you but you never reciprocated my desire to make things right. you never try to make things right"

jeonghan emphasized the 'never' suggesting the words weren't based just on recent events. he turned away from me and just when he was about to exit, he paused.

"i trusted you. when everyone said i should leave you, i stayed by your side."

his voice was laced with a pain so profound that it felt as if i had been stabbed in the heart. my misery was taking physical manifestations realizing i was the one those hopeless words were directed to.

 "i loved you unconditionally" 

he sighed and even with his back towards me, the slight tremors in his voice were hinting at the tears he was trying to hold back.

"i love you but you broke me arin."

:o Cookie: 
jeonghan confessed at the shore with the back drop of a pink sunset and the rhythmic sound of the waves embellishing the moment.

but the sweeter it starts, the bitter it ends.

A/N:
being rude is never acceptable no matter what you've gone through. arin is not a perfect character but stories are all about character development so bear with me.

her character starts with mildly narcissistic and ambitious roots with a slight tendency of defiance and with every heartbreak the negative points get stronger while the softer parts like humor and friendship get weaker. 

she is reaching her lowest point in the story and soon things will get better, i promise.

always remember, your own mental health is not an excuse to be shitty to others even though anxiety and depression sometimes make it hard to choose your own actions. we should always strive to be kind.