Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Ignorance

"hi noona"

i blinked rapidly but he didn't disappear. seokmin perched down beside me as if i wasn't staring holes into his head.

"what are you here for?"

"i saw you eating alone and thought i should give you some company."

"there's no need for that."

i replied as i looked away from him and took a huge bite out of the burger. seokmin sighed but he didn't leave.

guess he has a death wish.

"i am sorry for being rude to you earlier."

his voice was small and gloomy and i couldn't help but give him a glance. he was looking down at his feet, the heaviness in the atmosphere weighing on his shoulders.

why the fuck is it so difficult to be mad at him?

"you never liked me anyway" 

he let out a sad chuckle at that but even he seemed to know that it was impossible to deny.

"you are quite .. eccentric. i find it hard to understand you."

i scoffed as the morning incident came to my mind once again. all i wanted was to sit alone and forget that humans aren't extinct yet. 

perhaps that's too much to ask for.

"eccentric is a compliment compared to what others say."

"you don't get along with anyone here do you?"

he gestured towards the dining hall inside. i shook my head. they don't understand me either. no one does. my breath felt uneven as tears threatened to come out. 

i don't give a fuck about anyone. i really don't. i am just exhausted.

"you have changed a lot."

my head snapped in dk's direction as he said so. our eyes met for the first time and his big eyes felt like a mirror. it had the same sadness in it that i was feeling. 

"obviously. it's been almost 2 years."

i rolled my eyes dismissively but the look on his face didn't change.

"when we first met, you used to be really playful and crazy but now ... you feel serious and exhausted."

"i am 29, i am not going to be the same as a 24 year old."

"it's not just that is it?"

"oh and your friends haven't left a chance to hurt me in those 5 years!" i clapped my hands in fake excitement. "does that sound like a fuck off or do i need to say it directly?" 

i was wondering if i went too overboard. but instead of getting offended and sulking, he chuckled and clicked his tongue.

"you're still the same."

"but you aren't." i replied not sparing any softness. dk's expression turned sombre but he still didn't leave. this is driving me nuts. i just want to be left alone.

"i know."

he sighed and even though i was taken aback by the quick acceptance, i didn't show it. he placed his hand over mine hesitantly and i flinched.

"i am sorry. you were like an elder sister to me. strange but still a good one."

when i didn't respond he continued in the same low and regretful voice.

"i don't know what happened to me but i was scared if i even look at you then things will become awkward again and i just didn't want to go through it once more. whatever happened between you and hyung, i didn't want it to come back to bite us again"

i was astounded by his confession, the raw emotions in his words made my heart feel heavy but i couldn't understand what he even meant by all this.

"why?"

my voice came out fainter than i expected. 

"what's so scary about it? just because i dated one of your members doesn't mean you can't talk to me." 

i asked again purposefully making my voice stronger in a futile attempt to look nonchalant. 

"but you know it's not just that" he replied and i tilted my head in confusion.

"what are you talking about?" i asked. does he believe that i cheated on jeonghan too? 

"you don't know?" he seemed surprised. i shook my head and dk's eyes widened even more.

"you really don't know anything?" he asked, this time with a tone of disbelief.

"NO. care to enlighten me?"

"fuck."

he brushed his hand through his hair anxiously. but before i could ask what this was about, someone else appeared.

"mam mr. oh wants you to join him."

soojin said glancing between me and dokyeom with a perplexed expression. thankfully no one else saw us together.

i got up but i was forced to halt my steps as dk gripped my wrist. i was shocked and soojin's eyes widened. she has seen too much without knowing any context at all. i just wish she doesn't believe what the others say.

i turned back and dk seemed to be debating something in his mind.

"noona, we need to continue this conversation later." the urgency in his voice felt intimidating. i nodded reluctantly, curiosity driving my actions, before entering into the suffocating place full of laughter and warmth.

:o Cookie: jeonghan's breakup wasn't a topic of discussion since it was a personal matter but most of the seventeen members had figured out what had happened independently. the only people to know the full story were scoups, jeonghan, joshua and mingyu.

A/N: dust is 70% complete. and hopefully will be finished very soon. 

as i posted on my announcement board, i have been feeling really unmotivated and negative these days. but i have decided to stick to the reason i started writing, to express the emotions that overwhelm me through a story. this is the reason why a lot of my stories have some kind of sad or emotional theme.

'till death do us part' expressed the fear of running out of time and regret.

'don't listen in secret' expressed the despair of wanting something you can't have.

'dust' has a theme as well. i personally relate to arin's character the most because i have struggled with self esteem all my life. it often feels as if it's me against the world even when it's not. it can be an overwhelming feeling, like walls closing in on you from all sides. but it also makes you work harder to prove your worth. 

in the end, writing is just a hobby to relive stress and not make more of it. and i am trying to keep it this way.