Dust || Yoon Jeonghan

Last one standing

there were so many things that could've gone wrong.

and they all did.

i clutched the bracelet tightly in my hands, it will always be a painful reminder of the fact that i had crossed a point of no return. there's no way left to go but down.

like always my only refuge from the fear and trauma surrounding me was hara. so i called her. she has been busy these days and i prayed that she would pick up no matter where she is just like she always used to do.

"hello love."

her voice immediately made me feel better and even though i knew she was gonna be very upset at me for messing up again, i told her everything that happened.

"i don't know what to say." 

"is it so hopeless?"

hara sighed and my heart was beating too fast. all i wanted was for her to say that everything would be okay again. even if my boss is planning to fire me and my juniors despise me. even if seungkwan is gone and jeonghan has killed any hopes that were still thriving in my stupid heart.  there is surely a way to go back to how everything was. when i was just a quirky teenager trying to survive in the capital city.

"i don't know arin i am not a therapist or something."

her tone was devoid of sympathy and it felt like a stab to my heart. 

"i know but i need you. i am feeling anxious, i can't understand what's happening to me. everything's going wrong"

"have you ever considered that maybe the world isn't wrong but you are? instead of trying to improve yourself, you let it consume you. you wanted to go against your parents but you became another version of them."

"hara? how can you-"

"get a grip arin. stop ignoring your problems and stop passing them to other people. jeonghan carried your burdens for way too long and the moment he got exhausted and distanced himself you left him instead of asking him what was wrong."

is that what it was? 

he helped me survive heartbreak. he learned about anxiety just to help me. i thought i had started to handle it but maybe it was just an illusion because jeonghan was always there to support me and he took so much of those burdens off my chest that i started to think i was the one who had gotten stronger. and the moment he wasn't available, i crumbled down and blamed him for it. i left him because i couldn't live without him.

and i always trick myself into thinking i am the only victim.

"hara, please stop. i know i have made too many mistakes and i have no idea if they are fixable. but i need someone i trust to help me. i can't hold myself together. i am exhausted."

"i am exhausted too."

have you ever had a moment where it feels like everything is about to go down? like a moment in a horror movie that makes you squint your eyes because you can feel that a ghost is about to pop up.

this is that moment for me. my biggest fear is standing so close.

"i have my own problems arin. you never ask about it but there's a lot going on in my life too and i  just can't spend all my energy on you."

hara sighed and i felt so sorry that she sounded so hopeless because of me. she is the last person i wanted to hurt. but today, it happened.

"i can't solve your problems. i am sorry arin. i love you but it's taking a toll on me. please don't call me for a while."

"you can't-"

"i love you."

i love you too.

and i wanted to say it to her again and again, but even she didn't give me the chance to speak before hanging up.

even hara is gone.

everyone is gone.

is this what you wanted song arin?

:o Cookie: 
arin had texted jeonghan about the growing distance between them and he responded 2 days later with a single line text. "i am busy"

:o bonus Cookie:
hara was an outcast at the high school they were studying in and even though arin was welcomed by the popular group to be friends, she chose hara because she only cared about a genuine friendship and other people's opinion didn't affect her. since arin was always with her during those vulnerable days, hara has always been loyal to her despite the change in her personality from cheerful and ambitious to indifferent and self-centered. 

A/N: 
all the important parts are coming in now and i am so nervous if i will be able to write what i have in mind or not. i hope it doesn't turn out dumb (┬┬﹏┬┬)

wish me luck 🙂

this is crazy but i already miss jeonghan T_T 
but i am really happy that we got another brain gose for jeonghan to shine before he has to take a break from it for a long while.

i am working on the next few chapters simultaneously so it may take some time to finish them up. but maybe i will do multiple updates then 👀

until then check out my hoshi ff - love gamble (advertising because it's flopping 🤡)

okie bye <333

A/N: 
don't worry i didn't forget the visual treat 
have a gorgeous hannie ✨