Finding Her Joy

Nightmares

*A/N- I had a bad dream the other night, so Mia's part of the chapter is based on that. It might be kind of dark for some people, so I guess just proceed with caution. It's not terribly graphic, but if you want to skip ahead to Char's part, then that's fine. Happy reading! Enjoy!

(MIA POV)
The nightmares have been getting worse since the last time I saw Peter. They started out as just a few scary or stressful bits within my dreams, but now they completely take over my subconscious. It's almost impossible to wake myself from them until I've been absolutely petrified and my body wakes me.

What can be so scary about a little bad dream? Everything.

My brain feels like it's attacking itself with memories from the past. It's almost like I'm replaying every bad thing that's ever happened to me, but it's all on steroids.

In my dreams, I watch my father leave, but before he does, he tells me it's all my fault. He says that I wasn't a good enough child for him, so he had to go and make a new one with Reece and Autumn's mum.

I see Reece furious with me because I wasn't honest with him. He yells at me for ruining his life by spending so much time working for his father. He screams at me for ruining his relationship with his sister. Autumn then comes in and starts yelling at me for the same reason before grabbing her bat and coming at me.

Roger even shows up occasionally. The night he almost broke my wrist plays over and over. He climbs on top of me and starts beating me until I can't see anymore. Then I hear him take off his belt, but he doesn't start beating me with it. Something more sinister starts to happen instead. I wake, and my whole body is sore like the beating actually happened. I had a few of those nightmares when I was with Reece. He would always wake up immediately and try to hold me. I always pushed him off and would lock myself in the bathroom. If I'd let him soothe me, then he would eventually ask me about it. I couldn't let him know anything about them because then he would've found out about everything else.

So I suffered in silence and let my anxiety take control of my mind as I slept.

More recently, I've had a few about Charlotte, too. Roger gets her to turn on me, and she pushes me away. I hear her voice in my head saying how awful I am and that she couldn't ever love me for what I've done. She says I'm a bad person and I'll never change. I know none of it is true, and she would never say any of it. Maybe it's just my subconscious trying to tell me that's how I see myself. No matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to make up for what I've done, and that kills me.

The worst of all the nightmares are the ones about my mum. I'm trapped in a glass box with no way out, and I'm alone in the dark. Out of nowhere, a single light shines down not far in front of me. I see her sitting on her knees sobbing uncontrollably. She lets out a blood curdling scream and turns her head to me. "Why did you do this?" She yells. "Why couldn't you save me? I should never have had you! You are my biggest regret in life!"

The scene shifts to a rooftop, and she stands. I'm still stuck in the box, and it's filling with water. "This is all your fault." She says quietly before before sprinting to the edge of the building and jumping off head first. I'm stuck screaming and crying as my lungs begin to fill with water, and I can't breathe. That's normally when I wake up hyperventilating, and my chest feels super tight. Just like tonight when I'd woken up and Charlotte was gone.

It should make sense now why I decided not to tell Charlotte. If I was honest about the nightmares and how scared/stressed out I am by everything, I'm worried she might see me differently. I'm supposed to be strong and take care of her. How can I do that if I can't even fight off my own dreams?

Everything is fine. Everything is normal. I am okay.

But I'm not, though. I'm scared I never will be. I'm scared to fall any harder and be rejected if I share all the thoughts in my mind. These damn insecurities will be my downfall if I can't get rid of them.