Finding Her Joy

Sweetheart

This is goodbye.

My forever young and beautiful Charlotte. I never thought I'd have to tell you goodbye.

From the moment I met you, I knew you were supposed to be my forever person. You are so kind, so warm, and so beautiful in every way. You always see the good in people. I'll never know how you had so much faith in me.

But, Sweetheart, I have to leave. If I could, I'd stay with you forever and grow old with you like I'd planned. But, I need to protect you. You will never be safe from harm with me. I am the most dangerous thing for you right now, and I wish I could tell you exactly why. I can't, and I can't watch you get hurt from the things I've caused to happen in my own life.

You will never fully understand how much you mean to me. The time I've spent with you will always be the best of my life. I will cherish the memories forever and think of you every day.

I thought I was better. I thought I was finally strong enough to have someone like you. Someone to love me unconditionally and to help me through it all... but I was wrong. I am beyond repair, and you deserve someone who can be there for you when you need them the most. Someone who can take care of you and knows how to love themselves so they can love you.

Baby, I am so scared to love you. I wasn't before, but over the last few days, it has become increasingly obvious that being with you is the most terrifying thing in the world. You are so perfect in every way, and I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met you.

You are the first person I've felt I could be myself with. Opening up to you comes so naturally, and sometimes, I find myself getting lost in you.

Your deep eyes, as blue as the ocean. Your gentle voice, calm like the wind. The way that you hold me and fit so perfectly in my arms. Your laughter that fills the whole room with how infectious it is. Your ability to stop time just by looking at me or placing your hand in mine. Yes, my heart knows you and aches for you when you aren't near. Being away from you has been the hardest thing in my life, but now I have to stay away.

If I could spend forever with you in my arms, I would. If I could get past this fear I have and not be so torn apart by the "what ifs," then I would do it in a heartbeat.

I just know that if I keep you, I will lose you. It's just better for me to jump ship now. I also know that having you in my life will be seen as a weak spot, and we know there are some around us who will use that against me. I would rather die than even risk it happening.

I do not, and will not ever, deserve your kindness and love. But I will be grateful for it forever.

It's just all too much for you to take on, and it would be selfish for me to stay. I can't face you with what I have to do to keep you safe.

Remember, I love you. This is all because I love you. I swear on the black roses and their thorns.

Forgive me... please.

-Your Darling Amelia