Finding Her Joy

Drowning

*A/N- This one is kind of dark, so prepare yourselves. Not sure if there should be a TW on this one or not. But just be warned bc there's a lot of talk about mental health. I was working through some of my own issues with this one, so I'm sorry if it's darker than you were hoping for. Happy reading. Enjoy!

(MIA POV)
People seem to always see what they want to, instead of what's really there. We all look at the world through our own experiences. Most create a new version of reality to fit their fantasy or cover up their trauma. Sometimes, it's just through daydreams, but for someone like me, it was the little lies I told myself on a daily basis.

The lies started small and right around the time my dad left. I was only 12.

After I found out he was gone, every night I would climb into my bed and tell myself he was going to come back. "Daddy's on a business trip. He'll come home soon."

A few times as a child, I even told myself that my dad was missing me as much as I used to miss him. I tricked myself into believing that he still loved me and cared for me. If he really did love me, then he would be here with me. Not off with Reece and Autumn's mum.

Being with Reece also brought on more little lies. I would say, "What you're doing is okay," or, "This won't last forever."

When my mum's mental health started to decline, I would say, "If you can smile through it long enough, then she'll be fixed." I had a phrase I would say anytime she would lock herself in her room or have a really bad day mentally. "Everything is fine. Everything is normal. We are okay."

It never was, and it never would be. But pretending was so much easier than dealing with the realities of the situation. I hadn't realized I was still living in that fantasy world until I got the call the other night. For those few minutes where they thought they didn't know where she was, I could feel my whole world start to fall apart.

My mind went to the worst possible scenario first. I had a way of doing that. Why have hope if things never turned out the way you wanted them to, right? When I answered the phone, I honestly thought they were going to tell me she died. I was relieved when they didn't, but I still felt like I couldn't breathe as they told me what was going on.

I don't even remember hanging up the phone. I was floating. My mind was racing, but I wasn't able to grab hold of a coherent thought. I couldn't hear anything, but it was like the world around me was screaming.

The only thing that seemed to snap me back to reality was when Charlotte called out my name. Even then, it sounded like we were on opposite sides of a tunnel. The sound of her voice slowly echoed through my ears as I became more aware of my surroundings.

She was practically carrying me to the car. I think she even buckled me into the seat. She got in the car and sat down for a minute before turning it on. I was still drowning until she'd taken my hand in her and gently squeezed it. It was like a shock of electricity had been sent through me. Looking over into her eyes just made me feel at ease. At that moment, I was safe. I hadn't felt that way in a long time.

I was so scared and I didn't know how to tell her. I didn't know how to tell anyone.

I said before that certain sounds and smells were triggers for me and would bring me back to the day she had her major breakdown. Getting that call did the same thing.

I knew I was stronger than the emotions I was feeling, but I still couldn't stop them. I hated feeling so weak and helpless, especially in front of other people. I guess that was why I tried so hard to keep everything to myself for as long as I have. Keeping things bottled up like that was slowly tearing me apart. I think I knew it already, but admitting it would've meant that I had a weakness. I would never admit that out loud.

After my mum had been taken to the hospital the first time, I remember sitting by her for hours just waiting for her to wake up long enough so I could talk to her. The doctors kept telling me she was fine and would just sleep for a while, but I had to hear it from her.

I wanted her to wake up and talk to me, but I also didn't want to speak to her. I was so angry with how she could just choose to leave me like he did. We were all that the other had, and if she was gone... I would've been alone. Now that I'm older, I know that it wasn't about me. She had so many things going on that I had chosen not to see.

When I was wishing for my dad to come home, I could hear her upset in her room. Forcing myself to smile so she would be happy, she was doing the same thing for me. We were both trying so hard, and neither of us wanted to admit it.

It felt like I was sitting next to her for days before she was able to talk to me. I'm still not sure how much tike actually went by. That whole time was just a blur.

I was so exhausted that I fell asleep holding her hand with my head lying on her lap. I'm not sure how long I was out before my mum woke me up by moving my hair from my face and tapping my arm. I sat up, readjusting my eyes to the fluorescent lights. "Hello, Dearest." She said in a hushed tone.

"Mum, you're finally up. Are you okay? How are you feeling? Do you need some water?" I tried to stand up to grab her a cup. I knew I was talking fast and moving too quickly.

Mum squeezed my hand, "I'm fine. There's no need to make a fuss over me." She looked tired as she smiled at me. "Everything is okay."

I tried to keep it in, but I couldn't. I started to boil over, "Everything's okay? Are you serious right now?" I took my hand away and stood up. I started pacing in front of the bed.

"Dearest, I'm okay now. You don't need to worry." She leaned forward a little bit and tried to reach her hand out to me.

I stopped in my tracks and turned to face her again. There were tears burning to come out. In my head, I was saying, "All I do is worry. I can't stop worrying. We never talk about anything, and we just sit around pretending it's all great. It's not, Mum! Things haven't been that way in a long time. I feel like I'm drowning in worry and fake smiles and lies. I can't do it anymore! I just want to be honest for once! I want us to stop with all of this and just communicate!"

I couldn't say it. If I'd sat there and yelled at her, it would've only made her feel worse. I didn't want to be the one to break her heart again. If she'd known how much I was hurting, she might go into another spiral. I was more scared of losing her than I was angry at the situation.

So, instead of crying and yelling at her, I held it all in. I took a deep, shaky breath. I turned my head to wipe my eyes. I walked back over to her to hold her hand again and said, "You're right, Mum. It's all okay now."

I might have wanted to leave my fantasy world, but she wasn't ready to leave hers. If it meant she could stay happy for a while longer, then I could stay stuck there, too.

Everything would be fine.

Everything would be normal.

We would be okay.

That's what I told myself anyway.