Finding Her Joy

Dear Thomas

Where do I start? Should I tell you who I am? You may not remember me or even care to hear from me, but it's Amelia. You know, your firstborn that you abandoned so many years ago.

I've spent most of my life thinking you'd left because of something I did. Thinking I wasn't good enough for you to stay or take with you when you left. I've never understood why or how you could just leave without saying goodbye. To me, it seemed like you were being selfish in only thinking about your feelings, your wants, and your needs.

I used to think about all of those things, and they used to make me so angry. I was furious with you and with Katie. Your leaving was the reason my life fell apart. I had to grow up too fast and learn how to take care of everything on my own. The weight of the world fell on my shoulders, I had to take care of everyone, and mum fell apart. She went from being happy and taking care of me one minute to us swapping roles.

The rest of my life has been dedicated to fixing the people you and Katie broke. My mum, myself, and especially Reecey and Autumn.

Both of you knew what would happen to them if they were left to Roger. He ridiculed Autumn. He even tried to beat her, but Reecey stepped in every time. He protected her and took the brunt of his attacks.

Autumn was heartbroken. At least I had part of my mum. They had no one but each other and myself. I taught Autumn everything she needed to know about girlhood, and Reecey turned into a surrogate father for her.

Mum tried to end her life a few times after you left. Every time, it was because of you. I hated you for it. I was falling a part at the seams because of it. I was drowning trying to care for her. My heart was broken from doing it alone. My life was in shambles, flipped upside down. I had to make her breathe most days, even if I couldn't. Do you even care to know how scared that made me? Did you know any of this? That wasn't even the worst part.

The worst part was when Roger tricked me into doing awful things for him and tried to make me believe it was because he loved me. He didn't know what love was. He didn't know how to care for someone unless it was for his own personal gain. The reason I did it and kept doing it? He told me that he would tell me where you were. He promised me he would bring you home. I was naive to believe him.

I'll never know why you were ever friends with him. You should've seen his evil, and if you didn't, then you're just as bad as he is.

We shouldn't have had to deal with any of that. We were just children.

I'm not telling you any of this to make you feel bad. Although, that would be a nice perk. I'm telling you this so you understand why I needed to find you and have the truth. The truth will set us free, right? All of us.

I'm not angry anymore for what you did. I was, for a long time, even more recently. A person can't hold on to their anger and resentment forever. We all have to let go to find peace.

I was all alone for a lot of my life, and the one person I thought had to fix it never showed up. I'd stopped depending on other people. I shut everyone out, did awful things to those I cared for, and I wasn't able to share any of it with anyone for a long time. I honestly thought I'd be alone forever, but recently, my view has changed.

I've found someone who has filled the void and so much more of my heart that your absence left in my life. Someone who helps me heal and doesn't judge me for the things I've done or who I had to be. Someone real.

Now? I just want to know why.

Why did you leave? Was it easy for you to just walk away? Were you even in love with mum? Was it just Roger making you stay away this whole time? Do you ever wonder how I turned out? Have you ever thought about me or wanted to reach out? Do you ever wish you'd stayed?

The most selfish question I have is: Did you even love me, or did you only feel a sense of responsibility for me because you were my father?

Don't answer... I fear I already know the answers. You went off with the love of your life. You had a baby with her. I can see why you stayed away because I've just met your daughter and your grandchild. I wasn't even searching for them, and they fell into my lap. Emily is beautiful, kind, funny, and a wonderful mother even if she can't see it yet, and I know you were good to her because of how she talks about you. She loves you so much.

If you're worried I told her who I was or about your past, I didn't. I figured she didn't know because there was no reaction when I told her my first name. If you'd said anything, then she would've figured it out. I do look like you, or that's what mum used to say anyway.

It's so odd that we ended up on the same flight. This trip wasn't even supposed to happen. Roger sent me a message last minute and said I had to go. Something about urgent business.

I'm glad I got on the plane. I'm happy I met Emily and little Milo. I'm just nervous now because I need to see you and close this chapter of my life. I need the answers in person. I'm going to leave my number at the bottom, and I'll be in town all week... if you don't show up, then I know my assumptions are true, and you don't want to see me. You can forget about me again if that's what you want. I've learned that I can live without you.

Let's get one thing very clear, though. I don't want to meet with you for some form of validation from my daddy. I stopped needing that when I met the love of my life. I'm really only asking because Reecey and Autumn deserve answers too, and it would be wrong of me not to try. They deserve this just as much as I do, actually more so. Their world not to crumble at the mention of their mother's name anymore. Knowing the truth will help them move on with their lives.

I'll finish by saying, I hope you're happy. A few months ago, I would've hoped you were suffering somewhere, or even dead. After meeting your secret child, I really do hope you're happy. I hope she had the childhood I missed out on and the love of her father that I deserved.

I hope to see you... or maybe I don't. I already feel better just writing this.

-Amelia

*A/N- Happy reading! Hope you enjoyed!