Finding Her Joy

My Sweet Boy

I'm so sorry for everything. There are no words to express how sorry I truly am. I shouldn't have left the way that I did. That day is the biggest regret of my life. You may not ever understand this, but leaving was something I just had to do.

I wanted to come back for you and your sister, but your father wouldn't let me. I know there's no excuses for not coming back, but I was scared and worried. Not about the threats he made against me. About the threats he made towards you and your sister. He told me that he would hide you away, send you off to another country, and I would never hear from you again. He said that he would send someone after me to steal you back.

Your father said if I left you both with him, then he would take care of you. He promised that if I stayed away, you would both be safe.

I forced myself to believe him.

Every year, he would send me an update on both of you. I know how you did in school, sports awards, your relationship with Mia, and even a few of the jobs you had. He stopped sending me those updates when you turned 17, and Autumn was 15. He told me that you both wished to keep me out of your lives. I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not, but either way, I respected the decision.

My heart was broken then, but it still didn't hurt as bad as walking away from you. It took everything I had not to stay when I saw you. Your screams, your crying, your pleading still haunts me.

I wanted to step between you and your father. It tore me up when he slapped you, but had I stepped in, he would've killed me. I thought he only did it once, and he only did it to convince me to stay, and I realize now how awful that sounds. You didn't deserve it, and I don't want you to think I walked away because I didn't care. I love you so much that it hurts. I always have. Leaving you with him felt like the right choice, then. I never expected it to get as bad for you as I've now found out it did.

I wanted to protect you, but doing that meant I wasn't protecting myself. But it wasn't just about me anymore. There was someone else involved. Another innocent in the situation.

I'm sure, just like Amelia, you want to know why I left. I had an affair. I fell in love with someone else. It was a beautiful romance, and he made me feel whole after your father shattered me. He was everything. The biggest secret I thought I could keep forever, but then I was careless and got pregnant. As soon as I found out, I knew things had to change. I had to protect the baby and get out. I never expected that protecting this new, growing life would mean that I had to stop protecting you.

Had I known then what I know now, I would've stolen both of you and brought you with me. There just wasn't time before I'd left, and every time, I was ready to go back... I convinced myself you didn't want or need me. I never expected what was really going on behind closed doors. You both looked so happy in the pictures he would send. I assumed you were better off without me.

My biggest fear after all of this was that you would end up just like your father. He had a similar upbringing to you, and he was taught from a very young age to hate women. His father showed him everything, and if he didn't go along with it, then he would punish him. After hearing what your father did to you, I was nervous you had turned out the same way.

Amelia told me that you are the exact opposite. She's told me about the way you cared for your sister. She filled me in on your special bond with an apprentice at your job. I was even allowed a bit of information on your current flame. Amelia speaks very highly of her, so she must be a good one.

My mind is at ease now knowing you were still able to find someone to love and trust. I hope you're good to her and her to you. If you have children, then I know you will be a great father to them. They will never have to worry if you love them or their mother. You will be present and keep them safe from harm for as long as you can.

It may not mean much coming from me, but I am ever so proud of you and the way you didn't let your father and I hold you back.

I said before that there's nothing I can say to make up for the things I did and the problems you faced after I left. I still wish there was a way for me to take all of your pain away, to wipe your memory clean of any heartache you've had to experience. Yet, I can't.

I can't even bring myself to come and see you now. I know if I did, then I'd be doing it for my own selfish reasons. I've done enough to you, and I am only writing to you now to give you closure. I'm not even sure if this will give you that feeling.

You don't ever have to forgive me. I understand if you hate me. I deserve any feelings you have towards me. I accept the things I can not change and all that is out of my control. I just want you to know that I love you, my sweet boy, and not once has that, nor will it ever change.

Maybe one day you can forgive me, but I hope now you can heal from it all.

Take care of yourself, and I really hope your life is filled with happiness. You deserve to be surrounded by those you love and who love you.

-Mum

*A/N- You guys asked for it. Autumn's is tomorrow, and then after that, who knows what will happen. Happy reading! Hope you enjoyed!