Finding Her Joy

Forgiveness, Can You Imagine

*A/N- "..."

(MIA POV)
The air was still.

The world was quiet.

Everything was moving in slow motion.

Why did it all have to come crashing down again? What could I have done differently? How long would this pain last?

The last thing I expected to happen this morning was to find her cold and dead in the bed. She'd been gone long enough to be blue, so any attempt at saving her would've been in vain.

How did I not see this coming? Was this all my fault?

The last time I'd seen her, she was happy. She was smiling. She was alive. Now, she was... nothing. She wasn't in there anymore. Her soul was gone. Her memories disappeared. The light she exuded was put out. She was nothing. I was nothing.

Nothing without her.

I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to breathe.

I just wanted it to be a dream, but when I pinched myself, I knew I was wide awake. I'd even punched a hole in the wall to be sure. The pain pulsed through me faster and harder than it ever had. "This isn't a dream..."

I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder, followed by a light squeeze. I'm the same spot. "No, it's not. I'm so sorry, Mia. I know how much you loved her. She was the only one you had for so long. I'll never know how much this hurts, and I won't pretend to... but I'll try my best to understand."

I dropped to my knees and put my head in my hands. My words were muffled, but I said, "I couldn't stop it... I couldn't prevent this from happening... what's the point of living anymore?"

I was followed to the ground. My hands pulled from my face, and arms wrapped around me tight. "Don't think like that. This is not your fault. These things just happen sometimes. We aren't meant to live forever."

I gripped tight onto the shirt in front of me and buried my face into what I had to assume was a shoulder or collarbone. "I thought I had more time. Why can't I have more time? I don't want to be alone."

A kiss was placed on my temple, and a hand stroked my hair. "You won't ever be alone. You still have Reece and Autumn. I know you aren't fond of her, but you have Marjorie, too. Everyone else at the nurseries, and the girls."

My eyes were burning, but I wasn't going to cry. Even if I wanted to, nothing would come out. I was upset and angry, and I wanted to scream. Instead of screaming or crying, after I'd punched the wall, I felt numb.

"You have me, too." I looked up at her, and she was trying to smile at me. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

Where I once felt warmth and comfort in her smile, right now, I felt nothing. I still loved her. I was not having some crisis where I would leave her again because of this. There was no doubt in my mind about that. "I've spent so long taking care of her and trying to make sure she had the best life I could give her. I did so many awful things to provide for her, but now she's gone. None of it seems worth it anymore. Charlotte, what am I supposed to do now? Who am I if I don't have her to take care of?"

"You're Amelia. My smart, caring, and beautiful Amelia. You don't have to be anything or anyone different. You can do whatever you want. Be whoever you desire." I looked away, but she lifted my chin to look back at her. "It's okay to just live now without all the guilt. Take your time to mourn her passing, and when you're done, you can be free... just like you've always wanted."

Free? Free from Roger. Free from my mum. Free from my past. I'd spent so long trapped in this box of despair and worry. I never thought I would get out. I never thought I'd lose her. Parents are supposed to die before their children, but I just always thought I had more time.