Finding Her Joy

Dark

*TW- just because it gets pretty... dark... no pun intended.

When you're a child, it seems like nothing can harm you. So why is it that we end up with so many fears anyway?

There's the natural instincts that we have to make us scared of things incoming traffic because we don't want to get run over. Another is the fear of things bigger than us because they can easily cause the most amount of pain with the least amount of effort. We can't forget about "stranger danger" and how early in life that starts. Babies as old as 6 months can feel uneasy if they're around people they don't know.

Some fears protect us and keep us safe, but others...

Others take over our whole body. They cloud our senses, make it almost impossible to function, and can even send us into a downward spiral if the exposure to it is too heavy.

I have a fear of the ocean. There's just so much of it, and it is easy to get sucked under the waves. One moment you're swimming. The water is calm and relaxing. Your mind is wandering as you wade around or swim further away from the shoreline.

Then, the current grabs you, and before you know it, you're out too far, or you can't get back up to the surface. You're throwing your arms and legs to try and get back, but it's no use. It's too late. You're already gone. Sinking to the bottom of the ocean floor alone. Cold. Lifeless. 

Just like the first caveman to discover it, fire can also be a very scary thing. The heat calls to us with an inviting tone. We crave the warmth from it and practically beg to have it closer to us. We watch, mesmerized by the flames, as they dance around in the air. The wind blowing it ever so slightly, revealing every shade of red and orange. Some even see pictures within the flames while they move.

It looks so peaceful, and you swear you could just reach out and touch it. Everything within the flames looks so soft. It wouldn't hurt you, right?

Reach your hand out... touch it... but if you do, be prepared for the worst possible pain you could feel in your life. Your skin will try to melt off. You'll scream in agony. Some even die because it's just too much to handle.

Yes, even the most beautiful things can hurt us the most. The physical world is not one to be messed with.

What about the "not so physical" world? I'm not referring to the ghost realm or anything like that. This world is far worse. It is man made and evil operated. I'm speaking of the make-believe one in our heads.

The phrase "mind over matter" doesn't apply to most. It is possible to trick your brain into thinking something isn't as bad as it is or that the pain isn't there when, in reality, it takes over every inch of the affected area.

For some, it is unlikely to control their minds. Their thoughts race, and instead of having the ability to control their mind, their mind controls them.

My mind controls me.

When children start to develop their fears, a lot of them come from traumatic experiences they can't seem to forget. For instance:

A little girl being attacked by a dog could potentially lead to a fear of them. She may never own one or want to be around them.

A little boy could fear heights because he fell off of the roof while helping his father hang Christmas lights one year. If he broke his arm or his leg, then he may even start to be more careful around any potential threats.

I've even known a little girl who was scared of the mannequins in the stores. One had fallen over on her, and she wasn't able to get herself out from underneath it. She sat there and screamed for her mother to come and help her, and even now, she walks further around them than most people would.

My fears? Heights, bridges, and the dark.

Heights scare me because I used to be awfully clumsy as a child. I fell off of everything. I even got stuck on the top of one of those climbing structures at school. Everybody pointed and laughed as I cried and couldn't get down. Traumatized me for life.

There was one very cold, very icy winter night when I was very young that I remember like it happened yesterday. I was in the car with my father, headed back to our house after one of our outings, and it was snowing very hard.

The snow turned into rain, but then to ice as it hit the windscreen and the road beneath us. I'd fallen asleep to the sound of the car humming. My father was trying to stay awake, and he could hardly see past the lights shining from our car. As we got closer to the final bridge, before we could get off the motorway, the car hit a big patch of ice while we went to cross.

We swerved off of the bridge, crashing into a tree so fast that I almost didn't notice. The screeching of the car had woken me up, and I hit my head on the window. My father's head hit the steering wheel, knocking him unconscious for what felt like hours. In reality, it was no more than a few minutes. But I was alone for that time. Crying. Alone. No one around to help us.

The worst of them all is my fear of the dark. The pitch black, endless void. Filled with nothing and everything, all at once.

It all started when I was very young. A monster would creep into my room, doing unspeakable things to me. Whispering horrible things in my ear until I cried. Then he'd stand in the shadows when my mother would enter to make sure I didn't tell her anything that had happened.

I still get an awful chill down my spine thinking about how he used to put his finger to his lips, "Shh, she'll never believe you." If I'm alone with my thoughts for too long in the dark, I can still hear his voice as if he's right next to me.

She didn't believe me.

A few years later, I went to a birthday party for some little girl in my class. She was supposed to be my best friend, so I told her everything. All my dreams and fears, as a 6 year old would.

She ended up telling the other girls, and they all got together to hold me down. They tied me to a chair as tight as they could in the closet. They turned off the light, laughing at me. Then, they began to scream and bang as loud as possible on the door.

The echoes it made scared me and brought me back to the monster in my room. I tried to break free and was only successful with one hand. I had to use the one to free my other limbs. Once I'd finally gotten out of the chair, I found my way to the door. I tried to open it, but they'd blocked it off so I couldn't get out.

I sat there on the floor, completely broken. My eyes closed as tight as they could be so I could try and pretend I wasn't trapped.

I'm always trapped. I've always been alone.

The nightmares now are all of those things wrapped up into one terrifying dream. They've gotten so bad that I'll scare myself out of bed because my body throws me out of it. My mind is clouded by my fears.

It was clouded by my fears.

Since I've found you, it's all been quiet. Since I've found you, the dark doesn't seem so scary anymore.

No noise from my mind. Only silence.

I don't want to lose it.

*A/N- Sorry...
Also, I wonder who's saying all of this. Looks like somebody is trying to get everything out before they "kick the bucket"...