Finding Her Joy

My Darling Daughter

My Darling Daughter,

I hope this letter finds you. I have been wanting to write to you for a long time. I've never been sure how to put into words the deep sorrow and regret I feel for the decisions I made that have caused you pain. There are no excuses for what I've done.

Leaving you with your father was the hardest decision of my life, and I want you to know that it was never made out of indifference or a lack of love for you. I loved both of you equally, but in different ways.

Your brother was my little angel boy, my sensitive gem. You were my sweet rainbow baby, my precious little doll. My relationship with you meant something different to me because you came after a devastating loss. I pray you never have to experience that pain, and if you do, just know you are not alone. There are others who know your grief and will help carry you through it. I didn't have that support, but based on what I've been told, you do. You can survive the pain. It will not destroy you forever.

When it came to my decision to go, I was trapped in my own fears and unable to see a clear path out of the situation we were in. I just wasn't able to bring you with me. I realize now that in my attempt to survive, I failed to protect you in the way that you deserved and needed. How could I save and protect you if I couldn't do it for myself?

I am deeply sorry for the hurt and suffering you endured. The guilt I feel is immeasurable, and I know that words alone can not heal the wounds that have been inflicted upon you.

I wish I had been stronger, more courageous, and more aware of the impact my decisions would have on you.

I wish I could've been there for you through all of your firsts. There are certain things a mother is supposed to teach her daughter. Lessons that they can only learn from hearing about their mother's experiences.

I should've been there to teach you all of the girly things. I should've been the one to teach you about makeup and boys. It should've been me getting you ready for all of your school activities and dances. It wasn't me, and that will haunt me forever. You had someone there to teach you those things, but in my mind, you were alone in those experiences because I was not there.

It is a mother's love that teaches a girl how to love herself, and I fear that my leaving destroyed your confidence and skewed the view you had on your own self-worth. If that's true, then I am deeply sorry, and I wish there was something I could do.

Although you weren't there, I regret not getting to say goodbye. You probably heard about everything that happened with your brother on the day I left and how he was there to at least see me go. You never got the chance, and it upsets me, but I believe it was for the best.

You might not understand why I think this, but in my mind, it was easier for you in the long run. Had you been there, I fear the same thing that happened to your brother... would've happened to you, too. I can't imagine how traumatic that was for him, and I'm happy you didn't have the same experience.

I only recently found out about the beating he took on my behalf and all of the things he did to protect you later. It warms my heart to know that you had each other to carry you through. I wasn't there for you, but three had each other. I just hope that it was enough.

I know I left you with a monster. I should've known and tried harder to come back for you, but I was weak and scared. There were too many things at stake for me and my baby. It wasn't fair, but it is what happened. We can not change the past, but I can apologize for it and hope that your future is better.

From what Amelia has told me, you are very successful in your career, just like your brother. I always knew you would do great things. You've always been very resilient, and your ability to bounce back after tragedy is something to be admired.

Although you'd rarely show it, you've always felt so responsible for those you care for. You care so strongly for those around you and would do anything to protect them. Your circle had always been small, but that just meant those within it were very special to you.

I will not ever stop apologizing to you. I am forever sorry for the pain that I've caused, the mess I created, and the heartache I left you with.

My wish for you is that you find someone who takes care of you while you're off taking care of everyone else. I want you to find someone strong who will love you exactly as you are.

Know that your insecurities and your past do not define you. The size of your heart does.

Your heart is just as big as your brothers, if not more.

Maybe one day we will find ourselves in the same place. Maybe then I will have the courage to come up to you and say all of these things to your beautiful face.

I know that is only wishful thinking, as I know you both want nothing to do with me. I understand. I made my bed, and now I must lie in it.

Take care of yourself. Do not waste any more of your life dwelling on the anger and memories from the past.

Live your life, laugh when you can, and love with your whole heart. I love you, My Darling Daughter.

-Mum

*A/N- Well. There you have it. Those are the letters. Complimentary tissues are being given out in the comments. I wonder what's going to happen next to Mia's story. Hmm. Guess you'll just have to wait and see. Happy reading! Hope you enjoyed!