Galaxy of War || A clone wars fanfiction

Chapter 55

"When you see their scars from battle, do you think they're ugly?"

I stare at myself in the mirror. Again. I hear his words repeating in my mind.

"Now you have one hell of a story to tell."

I want to believe him, I really do, but how do I know he's not just lying to make me feel better? I look at my shirt that's hanging over my chair, and then at my older shirt without sleeves hanging in my closet. I haven't worn it since. But you've kept it. I have. I must have held out hope that maybe someday I could wear it. I take a deep breath before I pull it off its hanger. Pulling it over my head, the sensation feels weird. Not bad, but weird. I turn around and glance over my shoulder. It still covers the worst spot on my shoulder. The scars are clear on my neck and down my arm.

"Scars tell stories."

"Screw it," I tell myself before leaving the refresher to get away from my mirror. I've been staring at it too much. My hair is still down, it takes some of the attention away from the scars. But it does get hot sometimes. But as of right now, it's wet, which I always wear down, even before. It would take too long to dry otherwise. I sit on my bed and pull my legs under me before picking up my book, just to realize that I finished it earlier. I move to my table to check if there's any new ones I haven't read yet, but there isn't. "Of course," I mutter to myself before walking out of my room into our living room.

"Hey Master, would you like-" I stop and narrow my eyes as I see him looking at me. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

His eyes flicker to my bare arms, then a proud smile breaks out on his face. "Nothing, my dear. What were you going to ask me?"

I gesture to the book in my hand. "I finished my last book and was wondering if you wanted to join me to get a new one?"

He closes his own book, marking his page with a bookmark, before standing from the couch. I raise an eyebrow at the sounds of difficulty that comes from him as he stands. I snort as I see it. "You've gotten that old already?"

He sends me an affectionate glare. "It seems like it. You and Anakin have already made age catch up to me at lightning speed."

"You sure it's not just you?" I joke.

"Be careful, little one, if you keep joking I'll stop paying for your books," he says with a warning raise of his eyebrow.

I tilt my head with a fake pout. "But I don't have the credits to buy them myself."

He shakes his head as we begin to leave our quarters. "You know, I'm beginning to think you're only having me around to spend all my credits."

"Don't say that, Master, I would never do that," I say with a sarcastic voice. He looks at me with crossed arms. The moment our eyes meet, both of us can't keep our laughter in anymore. Days like these are easier. Maybe we can't really talk about deep and meaningful things anymore like we used too. But things that are easier, like joking around, makes us slowly go back to the people we once were. Not that we'll ever fully return. But it's better than sitting in silence in each of our rooms like strangers, like I didn't once see him as a father, and him seeing me as a daughter.

Coruscant is in its busiest hour by the time we reach the city. The Temple halls were mostly empty for once, something about good food being served in the cafeteria for once. I guess we'll have to try it when we get back, if there's anything left. Most people keep to themselves, don't really pay attention to whoever is walking by, but some people get a good look at me. At my scars. I swallow a lump in my throat as I see a little kid pointing at me and her mother quickly removing his hand before sending an apologetic smile and thanking me for my service for the Republic. But the damage has already been done. Sometimes kids' honesty is good, it can help on missions, but other times it's too brutal. They don't know how much their words can hurt. But one day they'll know, that's just life. Nothing to do about that.

"So, do you know which one you'll buy?" Obi-Wan tries to pull me from my thoughts.

I shrug. "No, I'm not totally sure."

"I'm beginning to think you've read about half of the books on Coruscant," he tells me.

"Then we'll just have to go somewhere else," I say with a smile. "Maybe Naboo. I've heard they have some good ones."

"Then we'll go to Naboo one day," he responds with another smile. There's not far to our designated bookstore, so we don't really get into talking much more on the way to it. The warm feeling hits me as I enter the store. I give the woman behind the register a smile as always before I begin to search the isles. I drag my finger over the spines, reading them as I go. Time passes without me having any idea how much. I walk back to the register to find Obi-Wan in conversation with the cashier.

He turns to me. "Did you find anything?"

I gesture to the three books in my arms. "Yes." I place it down onto the register as he pulls out his wallet. The lady puts them into a bag and hands it to me as Obi-Wan hands her the credits. "Thank you," I tell the lady before walking out of the store feeling refreshed.

"I was thinking that we could go to Dex's for dinner if you're up for it, we could bring Anakin along as well," my master proposes.

"Sure, why not?" I shrug. I haven't been there in a while. It's not time for dinner yet, so we walk back to the Temple. Just talking comfortably on the way. It's when we get to the Temple, that everything goes wrong. The wind has blown my hair away from my shoulder without me noticing, making my scars completely visible. The food must not be served anymore since the Temple halls are quite crowded. I feel people stare at me, making me self-conscious about my scars.

"Do you see that?" I hear someone whisper.

"No wonder why she kept wearing long sleeves and her cloak," another one says.

My master turns to look at me. "Try to ignore them."

"I would never look at myself again if I looked like that," someone giggles.

I don't give any reaction away, or any indication that I heard what they were saying. I slam our door open, walking quickly through our living room, just trying to escape.

"Lora," my master says. "Stay here, we need to talk."

"I don't want to talk," I shake my head. "I'm going to take a shower."

"No, you're not," he responds. "That's your second shower in under two hours."

I look at him. "So what?"

"You think I don't notice how often you have wet hair, and how red your skin always is?" He asks me. I lower my head, avoiding his gaze. I hear footsteps approaching before I can see his boots standing right in front of me. "Look at me," he tells me, and I do. "Lora, talk to me. It's not healthy what you're doing."

I take a step back. "I don't care, it makes the pain go away." Shit. It just slipped out.

"How?"

I know I can't escape this conversation anymore. I just hope he doesn't get mad. "I've hid my scars away because even though the pain is always there, it just gets worse when I'm reminded of them. I thought... I thought I could." My voice breaks and I cough to keep tears from appearing. "When they said those things, it physically hurt. I'm never in control of the pain. But when I stand under that scalding water, I chose it myself. I'm in control."

He crosses his arms in thought and runs his hand over his beard. "I'm not sure what to say. My dear, I want to help you. How can I help you?"

"You can't, no one can," I tell him.

He takes another step forward and places his hand on my shoulder. "We'll find a way for you to feel in control without you having to hurt yourself. Because that has to stop."

"But it hurts." Tears well up in my eyes and I can't keep them in.

"Oh, little one," he pulls me into his arms. All those feelings that I have tried to suppress all these months just come flooding out. He just holds me. He lets me feel every single one, knowing that even though I don't want to, it's the best for me. Even though a part of me hurts even more right now, another part of me begins to heal. 

Author's note

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