Galaxy of War || A clone wars fanfiction

Chapter 62

People still stare as I walk to my quarters. I can't imagine how I look. Blood painting my skin, having soaked my robes and the ends of my hair. My face has no expression whatsoever, but the dried tears give away my feelings. I can't truly understand that he is not here anymore. I know he's gone, but I can't really understand it. How can he just be gone?  How can they just stop existing? Some part of me wishes that this is just a sick joke like the time Obi-Wan faked his death, but I know that it's not like that. A person can't bleed that much without dying. As I walk through my door, I just stand in the living room.

"I am so sorry for your loss, Lo," Anakin tells me.

"He asked me to marry him, did you know that?" I turn around.

"I did," he says. His words surprise me. "On Iloh it's a tradition to ask the bride's father for permission to propose. He knew Obi-Wan wouldn't approve of a relationship, let alone a marriage. So he came and asked me, as your older brother, I was approval enough."

"I said no." I blink as the realization hits me. "I said no, and now he's gone. He didn't know how much I loved him. He's gone. And I can't breathe." I can't even sob. I don't have enough air in my body to do so. "I loved him. He didn't know. He died thinking I didn't love him."

"He knew. Trust me, he knew."

"How do you know?"

"Because you can't love another person without showing it. Every time you're with a person you care about, a light shines out of you. He knew. Trust me, he knew."

I shake my head gently. "But it doesn't matter. Because he's dead. I have nothing left of him besides this." I gesture to the blood on me.

"That's not true," he mutters. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box. "I pulled this from his clothes on the way back. He told me he kept it on him at all time." He walks closer and opens the box.

Inside is a small gold ring. It's simple, plain enough to be seen as normal jewelry. I know that was his intention, that way I could keep it on while still being a Jedi. Oh Jax, you really loved me. My hands shake as I pull the ring out of the box and place it on my finger. I can't hold the tears in anymore. 

"Oh, Lora," Anakin whispers and pulls me into a hug. I try to stop the tears from coming, but they keep appearing uncontrollably. At some point I don't have more tears to cry. "You need to let him go and get yourself washed up."

"I can't," I tell him. "If I go anywhere that shower, I'm scared I'll break my promise to him."

"What promise?"

"To live."

He tilts his head to the side as he watches my face. "If you really loved him, which I know you did, you will live, for him."

"But how?" My knees feel weak, like the ground is disappearing under my feet. It might as well, if the ground was grief, it's swallowing me whole. "How do I... how do I get past this?"

He shakes his head. "You don't really. But it gets easier. That's the thing about grief."

"But I don't want it to get easier, I want it to stop." I hide my face in my hands. 

"You sit down, and I'll call Padme, get her here and help you get all this blood off."

I do as he says. As he returns, I stare past him. "You know why I didn't want to leave him?"

"I don't," he says and sits down beside me.

"My worst fear is dying alone. I left my mother to die alone, I will never forgive myself for that. My worst fear is someone leaving me to die alone." He doesn't reply. "When I was captured by Sidius, every scenario he used against me, the only thing I begged them not to, was not to leave me."

I let out a small laugh. "Isn't that embarrassing? Everything I could have said, and I chose to ask my enemy not to leave me alone to die."

"It's not embarrassing," he tells me. Then silence.

Time passes as I never move. I can't. I'm stuck just sitting down. Staring out into space. The door opens softly and Padme walks in. It looks weird having her here, in the Temple. She doesn't say anything, her words are written clearly on her face. I know she cared about him as well. It's weird thinking about him in past tense. I never thought I had to. She just holds her hand out for me to take. I hold on to it so hard my knuckles are turning white, but she doesn't seem to mind. Everything she does is with slow and gentle movements. She helps me in the shower and turns on the water. I don't move at all the entire time she helps get the blood off. She stills for a moment as she sees the ring on my finger.

"Lora, is it okay if I remove it while we do this? I'm just putting it on the sink," she asks. I nod, unable to get words out. She takes it off gently and I hear the quiet clatter of it hitting the sink. She then returns to me and starts to wet my hair. I feel myself slipping away, and I don't do much to try to catch myself. It's like every will I ever had to live, just disappeared. How can a person do that? How can they have so much power? And they will never know it.

Maybe it's the knowledge that I will never see him again. I'm a force wielder, so when I die I will become a part of the force. When he dies, only the force knows where he goes. But I don't get to be with him. Or maybe it's the thought that I will spend more time grieving him than I did loving him. And that he never got to know.

"Come on out," Padme tells me and helps me stand. She wraps my towel around me before leaving the refresher for a moment and returning with some clothes that she brought with her. "I thought you might be more comfortable in this." It's some shorts with a matching long sleeved top. As she helps me into it, it's the softest fabric ever.

She dries my hair a bit before we leave the refresher. The door to the living room is open, and out of the corner of my eye I can see Obi-Wan having returned, looking worried while talking to Anakin. Padme closes the door as I go directly to my bed, pulling the blanket all the way to my head. It's suddenly so cold.

"Is there anything I can do, or someone else can do for you right now?" She sits down on the edge of my bed. I shake my head. "Try to see if you can get some rest, tomorrow will be even harder, so I recommend getting some sleep." She gives me a kiss on my head before leaving my room to myself. If tommorow will be even harder... how will that be possible? I don't want to find out.

How does a day go so wrong? I woke up and never imagined that something like this could happen. I still can't. I feel the ring on my finger. I don't deserve to wear it. I said no. I disappointed him. I take it off, together with my necklace I got from Anakin and Padme. I drag the gold chain through the ring before clasping the necklace around my neck again. I place the ring and plate in my hollow hand and close it. 

How did he find it in himself to love me? I continued to push him away, time and time again. I broke his heart and somehow he still loved me. He knew that I could never be with him, that my devotion to the Code was keeping me from him, but even then, he never stopped. Did he hold out hope that I someday realized he was worth breaking the rules for? Did he die thinking he wasn't worth it? That I didn't love him?

Author's note

He carried the ring on him at all time😭 

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