Who Wants To Live Forever...

Party! - Part 1

 A/N -   Lots of switching between points of view in this chapter.

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10th December 1987

Surrey England

Brian's POV

Do you ever find yourself wishing you could muster some excitement for something you're expected to enjoy?  Everyone around you is buzzing with energy and anticipation.  It is supposed to be an evening of fun and revelry.  I could hear the sound of activity downstairs and knew the caterers and the party planner had arrived.  I was standing at the window of my bedroom watching the men erecting a large white tent on our grounds.  It was right next to the back patio area and was supposed to be for any potential jam session that might ensure.  Roger had been enthused when the party planner said other musicians had done the same at their parties and it had gone over quite well with the guests.  I agreed to it because he was so enthralled with this whole party.  I wanted to make him happy.

It's not that I'm unhappy about the party.  I just can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm for it.  I am so happy to be back home with Rog and the kids and getting our life back to what it was.  The problem is our life isn't the same and never will be.

I dreamt about my Father again last night.  It was one of those dreams where I was surprised to find him there and in my dream he had not actually died.  He was still alive and I was so pleased to see him.  To be in his presence and hear his voice.  When I woke up it was such a letdown to realize it wasn't true.  Reality hit and I remembered he was gone.  Had been for six months now.  

This will be the first Christmas without him.  Despite my happiness at being reunited with Roger for the holidays, there is a space in my heart that is empty.   I hated that my Father had not lived to see us back together.  To see the children reunited and everyone looking forward to spending the holidays together.  I almost dread Christmas as I know I will be unable to not think about the empty chair at the celebration.

I abandoned the window and went into the bathroom.  Stepping into a hot shower.  Hoping it might offer some respite from my low mood.  I finished and wrapped my washed hair in a towel.  Putting on a robe and going to the sink.  Brushing my teeth and then running my hand over my face.  I clearly was in need of a shave.  Roger had mentioned the fact I had not shaved in days.  It was time and I knew he preferred I was clean shaven for tonight.

I opened the drawer and pulled out my razor.  Sliding the tin open and extracting a fresh blade.  I replaced my old one and stood looking at the piece of thin steel in my hands.  Remembering another time I had felt quite low and found myself standing with a razor blade in my grasp.  That feeling of anxiety washed over me as my mind considered what I had intended to do all those years back.  I sighed and finished putting the new blade in my razor.  Picking up the shaving foam can and shaking it.  Trying to shake off this dark place I found myself in.  

Roger's POV

"It will be nice to see you."  I told Jo on the phone.  Thrilled she was back in London and would be attending the party.  "It's been too long since I've seen your face."  I said as I smiled.  Missing the presence of my long term friend.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you too Rog."  she replied.  "It was lucky I came home early for the holidays."  she mentioned.   "My sister is having surgery in January and I wanted a few weeks of enjoyment with her before I switch to caregiving mode."  she explained.   Jo had told me in a letter she was coming to London for a few months as her sister was having a hysterectomy.   

"You're a good sister to come home and care for her."  I told her.  

"It leaves her husband to look after the children."  Jo pointed out.  "I'm better suited to look after her than several young kids."  she said with a laugh.  She has always been so honest about her confessed shortcomings with the idea of motherhood or parenting.