JUST LIKE A BROKEN DOLL (BUT I STILL LOVE YOU)

JLABD 14

It was just like a thunderstorm. There's simply no sign that after barely twenty days of living here and grounding himself around Yunho, Jaejoong would actually explode like this. At one moment he was just reminiscing about things and the next, thanks to Yunho's insistent effort of 'just want to make you feel better' Jaejoong's already a crying mess shouting at the top of his lungs.

"You're not helping at all, Jae. Seriously, I'm at loss here. Tell me, what should I do? Shit, Jaejoong. You're not giving me any chance." He stared at Jaejoong forlornly. "Why can't you just make things easier for us?"

Jaejoong can't help it. He blindly grabbed something else and threw it at Yunho. This time, a small picture frame. "Things would be easy if you never appeared back in my life! Things would be easy if you just leave me alone!"

"And what?! See you die on the street? You're pregnant Jaejoong! You're not supposed to work 20 hours a day and skip meals every time! I brought you home for your sake and the baby's! Don't you get it?! I want to take care of you two!"

Jaejoong screamed. "Shut up! Just shut up Yunho!"

Frustrated, the other man messed his hair. "I don't get it. Why are you acting like this? I'm trying my best here, Jae, but you act like living here is worst than living in that filthy slump."

Jaejoong wanted to laugh. But he was crying still. And he's more annoyed than hurt now. "Really Yunho? Really? You're actually asking me why living in this house sicken me?" He wiped his tears angrily. "Have you forgotten?! Have you forgotten everything that happened in this house?! Have you forgotten everything that you said to me?!"

Yunho frowned and Jaejoong realized with a depressing thought that maybe the man did forget those things.

How convenient.

But Jaejoong didn't. I can't... I can't Yunhoyah.

"Here's where you called me a whore for losing my virginity to you Yunho! A fucking whore! You called me a whore damn it!" Yunho's expression changed and Jaejoong continued on, unable to let Yunho defend himself. He's done being useless. He's done being weak. Never again. "Have you forgotten?! You were drunk, I know, so I'm never gonna blame you for forcing yourself on me that night and God knows I love you too much to really fight you when you're so broken. But how could you Yunho?! How could you say I planned everything?!"

"Jae, I..."

"You said I purposely took advantage of you! You implied how everything was my plan and that everything was a mistake! You said," Despite his best effort, Jaejoong's voice still broke at this, "I was a worthless slut who should be grateful you're still going to pay me for my service anyway!" His knees buckled and Jaejoong automatically rested his body to the wall as he slowly slumped down on the floor. He never wanted the other to know everything but dealing with an ignorant man like Yunho hurt too much. Not to mention nowadays, he get tired and change mood easily which to be honest, was really tiring to him.

"Jae, please... I..."

"No... It was my fault for coming here that night.... It was my fault for wanting to cheer you... It was my fault for drinking with you... It was my fault I allowed you to kiss me, take me... It was my fault that despite everything, I was glad I was the one with you that night. It was all my fault because I love you... I love you, so much... Too much perhaps..." Jaejoong choked pitifully, both hands now resting on his swelling stomach protectively. "But you have no right to blame me for leaving after everything you said! You have no right to blame me for keeping mum and wanting this baby for my own! You chased me out of this very house, throwing an empty checque at my face when I gathered all my strength to see you again... all because I wanted to tell you that I was pregnant with your baby!" Jaejoong chucklef bitterly. "And to think I thought that you'll be as happy as I am when I went to see you... To think I wanted to ask for your presence in-" Jaejoong can't continue. He sobbed as he stared heatedly at the other man. "You lost your right to claim this baby right there and then, Yunho! Since that time, this baby is mine and mine alone! You have no right to threaten me like this... No right at all..."

Yunho was crouching in front of Jaejoong by now, face twisted in guilt and regret. But Jaejoong couldn't see it with his blurry eyes. Everything was a mess. His thoughts and feelings all jumbled up. How come I still hurt for you, Yunhoyah? How come I still love when I don't even know where my heart went after you broke it? And sadly, Yunho's the one causing all of that chaos in him. Yunho's the reason. How could you want to take my baby? How could you?

"You can't blame me for dying with every breath I took inside this damn house... To me this place is filthy just like you. It reminds me how stupid I am for loving you! After everything that happened, you can't blame me for wanting to earn my own money to take care of my baby! You can't blame me for hating you because you could easily take my baby away from me! Yes I'm not rich like you. Even if you didn't say it I know I can't afford a good shelter... to buy things for the baby... to consume nutritious healthy food all time of the day but the baby's my top priority! I left everything behind for my baby! I never regretted dropping out and living so poorly because you know what,I'll give my baby everything even my life! The baby is all I have... This baby is my only family... And you still question why I hate you so much? As if the fact that you once treated me like a trash after you raped me because yes Yunho, you did raped me, you even called me a slut and gold digger after that! And if that wasn't good enough of a reason to hate you, you even threatened me with this baby! My baby... My poor baby... I hate you Yunho! This place sickens me yet I still have to abide to you and stay with you fearing if I don't, you'll separate me from my baby using your money and influence! I still have to follow your every whims and instructions just because you suddenly believed my innocence all because you wanted a child! Hah! My baby is suddenly yours! Without a doubt! When before you kept on telling me I am a whore? How could you be this cruel? You just... You..."

Jaejoong was truly exhausted after the long rant. He's really really tired of everything. He wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore, what he wanted to say. He doesn't know. He just wanted to let them out.

"I'm sorry..."

Jaejoong just cried and sobbed again. Maybe the man is really sorry. Maybe he knew better now. But Yunho'll never be able to fix anything.

And the worst part of this whole ordeal is actually being reminded every single day that he still desperately loves Yunho no matter what...but the man is still very much in love with his ex-fiancee. If I can't have you, so be it. I always knew I can never reach you... But why can't I have our baby too? Why Yunhoyah? Why?