JUST LIKE A BROKEN DOLL (BUT I STILL LOVE YOU)

BISLY 31

"Yunhoyah, do you think I'm carrying?" Jaejoong quietly asked, breaking the silence that hung heavily between them ever since they left Doctor Lee's room. Jaejoong had went in for a check up earlier and now they had to wait for the blood and urine test result before beginning their consultation. Yunho didn't exactly tell the man why they're here but the familiar procedure must've given it away and now Yunho felt like a monster hearing Jaejoong's hopeful tone. "Yunhoyah?"

"I'm not sure, J." Yunho tried for a smile. He hoped it doesn't appear too fake but Jaejoong wasn't really paying him any attention.

"But I feel fine?" The man wondered out loud. He sound a tad bit disappointed. "It's been ten - no, eleven days, right Yunhoyah? - since we made love but I don't feel any different... I just feel a little tired but I think that's because of our journey last week. With Baby, I felt really sick during the adjustment period, you know? I couldn't even leave the bed the first week. I thought I was just having a really bad flu but actually my body's adapting for the baby." 

Yunho swallowed. He didn't know. Of course you didn't. Jaejoong rarely brought up the past. Even when they visited Baby's grave, Jaejoong never talked about his sufferings but rather his beloved would talk about their days and his wishes for their unborn baby. He moved on. He did it for your sake. He cared for you. All the time. "Maybe- Maybe you're not carrying then."

"I wish-"

"Mr Kim Jaejoong." The nurse called, effectively cutting Jaejoong's sentence.

"Yunhoyah." Jaejoong whispered, eyes suddenly large and panicked. 

Yunho let out a loud breath, willing his heart to calm down as he took Jaejoong's hand and smiled encouragingly. Bravely. "Come on."

As soon as they sat down in front of Doctor Lee, Yunho made to release his hold but Jaejoong kept his grip and Yunho relented. Jaejoong's nervous. So is he. However, Yunho's aware that they're both worrying over opposite thing.

"Firstly, I would like to confirm that Mr Kim Jaejoong's body is positively changing... In other words, there's a successful conception."

"I'm carrying?" Jaejoong's grip tightened and suddenly Yunho found himself enveloped in a warm embrace. "Yunhoyah! I'm carrying! I'm carrying!"

The doctor cleared his throat uncomfortably and Yunho understood why. Time for the truth...

"I think it's better if the two of you decide on the next course of action within this week. The sooner the better. The fertilized egg usually will be secured within two to eight weeks so after that it'll be too la-"

"I don't understand. Doctor Lee?" Jaejoong started. "Yunhoyah, what is he talking about? What should we decide on? Yunhoyah?"

"Calm down, Love. I'll explain at home, okay?" Yunho stood up, bringing his confused Jaejoong with him as he slightly bowed. "Thank you for your time, Doctor Lee."

*
*
*

"You're lying." Jaejoong choked. He's not even looking at Yunho now, eyes stubbornly staring at the crumpled piece of report in his hand. "There must be some mistake... It cannot be true."

"J, I-"

"Stop! I don't want to hear it! How could you do this to me?" Jaejoong finally looked up but it's Yunho who can't keep his gaze this time. "I thought we promised to be honest with each other...? How could you keep this from me? How could you not tell me? I- Why won't you tell me about this, Yunhoyah? Why did you keep it to yourself? Why? Why did you do this to me, Yunhoyah? Answer me! Why didn't you tell me? Why?!"

"Because they all said you're no longer as fertile! I brought your report everwhere Jaejoong! Everywhere! They all said the same thing as Doctor Lee said! And I thought- I thought as long as I'm careful, nothing will happen... He told me the possibility of you conceiving is slim but I was- I was going to take precaution anyway... But- But that night- That night everything happened so fast and I forgot. I forgot and-" He snorted helplessly. "He said you won't conceive so easily..."

"So you planned to bury this?!"

"No! Of course not! I was just- I don't know how to tell you. You were so- And I thought- I kept thinking I still have time. I wanted to tell you at the right time."

"And now is the right time?!"

"J, Love, please..." Yunho couldn't handle the sight of Jaejoong breaking down like this but he knew there's nothing he can do to make it all better.

He can't turn back time.

He can't undo his mistakes.

He can't change the truth.

"How could this happen to me? Why? Why is this happening?" Jaejoong sobbed, tearing the report into pieces. "Even if... Even if I could hold on until the seventh month, our baby's probably won't be normal?"

"If our baby can survive." Yunho brokenly reminded him. "Your body's not going to be able to sustain the baby for so long, J. It's medically impossible."

"No!"

"You might lose your life trying! Why can't you understand? Getting pregnant will kill you. It'll kill you. I can't- I can't lose you, Jaejoong. I can't. Love, I can't."

"But our baby!" Jaejoong wailed. "It's our baby! Ours! Yours, Yunhoyah. Yours..."

"I know... I know. But if something happened- If- Jaejoong... I- I'll kill myself if you're not here."

"Yunhoyah!" Jaejoong barrelled into his chest, repetitively punching Yunho's back as he sobbed. "Don't say that! Don't you ever say that again!"

Yunho cried shamelessly and as soon as Jaejoong pulled him into his arms, he couldn't stop. "But I can't-"

"I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry Yunhoyah... I forgot to think about your feelings. I'm so sorry, Yunhoyah. I'm so sorry... I love you so much, Yunhoyah, I love you so much I feel like dying but this baby... This baby is a part of you too... I love it already. Even if it won't be like other children, normal, it'll still be perfect for me. For us, right? Because it's ours... It's our miracle... We'll love it anyway. I know we will."

"But Doc-"

"They're not God! Doctors are only human Yunhoyah. They don't get to decide our life. Not mine. You'll see."

"J, please-"

"No, we're not going to abort. We can't! Think of Baby, Yunhoyah. Just this once, listen to me. We'll keep this baby. I'll carry our baby for as long as I can and I promise, I promise, me ansd baby will be okay. Please, Yunhoyah, please trust me. Let me save our baby... I beg you."