JUST LIKE A BROKEN DOLL (BUT I STILL LOVE YOU)

JLABD 05

Never, not even once in his life, had Jaejoong ever thought of losing his virginity like this.

Maybe he'd dreamed of losing it to Yunho. He did, wondered that far despite the impossibility, because imagination never cared about boundary.

But this way?

Never.

Jaejoong had never even thought the man he love more than life itself would...

He blinked and the tears he thought had long dried out appeared again.

It wasn't rape... I could've fight him more. But I didn't. Because it's Yunho... It's Yunho.

Although his entire body ached and numbed, Jaejoong felt nothing now. He felt like he's somewhere else, watching Yunho as the man sleep.

What a relief. Yunho looked better now. Jaejoong wanted to smile but only tears came easy tonight.

Because everything hurt. From the beginning until now, there was only fear and pain. He never thought something so beautiful could make him feel so terrible.

Yunho's drunk... Hana broke his heart again with her marriage announcement. He's not himself. He doesn't know what he's doing... Yunho's too heart-broken so that's why...

And Jaejoong love him. That's the reason he abandoned everything and came to find him, right? That's why he agreed to drink with him... and why he let Yunho kissed him.

Yunho thought I was her.

If I rejected the kiss... If I told him I wasn't her... He wouldn't lose control, would he? He wouldn't force himself on me if he knew. Definitely. He wouldn't. Because I'm not Hana.

His heart must've cracked but he needed it to remember. His heart shouldn't forget that Yunho's heart belong to Hana still. He doesn't want his heart to swell with useless pride and hope for the impossible. Nothing will change. Yunho didn't know it was him... Yunho didn't do it on purpose. It's not for me. "Yunhoyah. It's okay... It's okay."

As he stared into the darkness, Jaejoong idly wondered who needed that conviction more.

Yunho?

Or him?

Even exhaustion couldn't make him close his eyes after that. Each seconds he laid awake was spent with fervent prayers, hoping for everything to be okay.