JUST LIKE A BROKEN DOLL (BUT I STILL LOVE YOU)

JLABD 15

Jaejoong's not quite sure what's wrong with him. After his rather unexpected outburst last week, things had been different between him and Yunho. After knowing how much hate Jaejoong felt for that place (and Yunho himself), the man had sold the apartment and bought a new house they're currently staying in. To be completely honest, Jaejoong found it strange Yunho was okay with selling the apartment. After all, it's Yunho's only home; he knew exactly how much Yunho detest living in the Jung's mansion that he once said never felt like home to him. But the move was something Jaejoong wanted in order to at least try to pretend everything was sunny between them so he didn't say anything at all.

Well, Yunhoyah's finally giving in, right? The man had given him his much wanted space that despite still staying together, Jaejoong rarely caught a glimpse of the other man nowadays. A part of him wonder if Yunho's avoiding him but the bigger part of him knew Yunho's just trying to redeem himself after realizing just how much suffering the man had given him. That's what Jaejoong wanted... Right?

All in all, Jaejoong should be ecstatic with his life now. Even though he's still under Yunho's control but he could at least pretend that he's free, safe and alone. It was all he ever wanted, wasn't it?

However, Jaejoong found himself crying to sleep for six nights in a row tonight. It's so stupid. Jaejoong doesn't even know why. Maybe it's the pregnancy and all the hormones...

A subtle kick in in his stomach told Jaejoong to correct himsef. Even his unborn baby knew he's lying. He softly laughed and lovingly crooned. Yes yes baby, Daddy know... Daddy misses your Appa too. He sighed dejectedly. He loves Yunho. He had loved him that day he got back to their shared dorm with a grumbling stomach and found that Yunho had slipped him some cash in the pocket of his only jacket and a note scolding him to eat. He wasn't even on a talking term with Yunho then. Just sharing the same dorm and occasionally exchanging 'hi' or 'bye'... But somehow Yunho knew he was starving, knew he didn't have money at all and the man had helped him without saying a word. Just that one random act of kindness  and Jaejoong lost his heart. Nobody was ever nice to him that way before.

Because of that Jaejoong found the courage back then to ignore those remarks about how cold Yunho was, how arrogant that Jung's sole heir was, how selfish that man was and slowly become Yunho's only friend. It was hard. Jaejoong never knew why but during this 4 years of knowing Yunho, despite everyone knowing him as Yunho's bestfriend, Yunho had never opened up to him. It was always him opening up to Yunho, never the other way around. All his knowledge about Yunho came from years of observation, pure instincts and outside information. Never from Yunho himself. It's as if-

A soft gasp escaped his lips as he realized something. Yunhoyah had never fully trusted me... That was why Yunho could so easily hurt him that fateful morning. I was just a pity case... He never accepted me... never wanted me in his life. That was why after that night, Yunho could so easily misunderstood him and said those horrible things. From the beginning, he had never trusted me... But why? I've been his friend for so long... I've been beside him through so much...

He had thought Yunho was cruel; too clouded by his pain after Hana and Ji Hoon's national wedding announcement. Not to mention, personally receiving that wedding invitation from his ex fiancee must've broken his heart even more. And when Yunho had done and said those things to him, Jaejoong had thought Yunho really did think of him as lowly as that. But maybe from the very beginning, Yunhoyah had thought of everyone the same. Maybe from the start, everyone's like a dirt to him. This could only mean Yunho had never given anyone, even a Kim Jaejoong, the benefit of the doubt.

But shouldn't this knowledge make Jaejoong feel sad and angry at Yunho? So why does he only feel hurt and sympathetic for Yunho instead? Jaejoong closed his eyes. Immediately, Yunho's cold face materialized in his mind. What kind of life are you living, Yunhoyah? That's so sad... A life lived not trusting anyone... How can you live like that? You must feel so lonely...

Realizing his sympathy, Jaejoong's eyes quickly opened and he shook his head. Aish, see baby? Daddy's making up excuses for your Appa. Why do I love him so much, huh? But... your Appa really feel sorry and guilty to us now, right? And he loves you so much... You know it too, right? Your Appa even tolerate my presence all because of you. 

Jaejoong remembered waking up to Yunho kissing or petting his swelling stomach and talking to the baby before; always having to pretend he's still asleep but secretly loving the way Yunho interacts with their baby. It was heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time because Jaejoong's made aware of fhe way Yunho love the baby. If he ever doubted it, he can't anymore. Yunho honestly do adore the baby. Too much even. Perhaps just as much as Jaejoong love the baby himself. But the issue is, Jaejoong doesn't know what'll happen after the baby's born. He doesn't want to be separated from the baby but he knew, separating Yunho from the baby would probably kill the man too. The only solution is for them to continue living this way but this is hurting them both. He's sure of that. Even if your Appa doesn't love me but he loves you. So what should Daddy do? Daddy loves your Appa so much too... but it's so hard to forget everything your Papa said to Daddy. More importantly, Jaejoong can't ignore the most obvious fact. Your Appa had never said anything about loving me... Not even once he mentioned about starting over... He only took me in because of you, baby-ah. He cares for you. But me? He still love that woman... Daddy's sure your Appa will always love Hana... I'm the one who ruined his memory of her. There's no place for me in his heart. No place at all... Jaejoong wiped his eyes sadly. What to do?