That's Another Story For Later

PTSD

*Hey guys. I'm so sorry I haven't been updating. Honestly, I'm just such a spacehead I can't remember. I'm also exhausted from swimming, but I promise to continue updating until it's finished. Also... because it's November 1st... RABBIT RABBIT! I hope all of your months are amazing! Thanks or being supportive. Ciao!*

I watched the door after it closed. I just stared, and the weight of what he said settled over my head. I had tomorrow to save Thorin. If it didn't work, I could die because I'm not purely elf. And then Fili would be king, and they wouldn't have me, and I knew they needed me. I wasn't sure what to think. What was going to happen? What about the Erebor dwarves? Would it be like the Blue Mountains again? Would I be ridiculed despite being engaged to Kili? Would they force us apart?

Arms wrapped around my trembling figure. I hadn't even realized I was shaking. I turned, and buried my face into the chest. I knew it. It smelled of leather, cinnamon, and still of a smoky fire. "Fili, we'll see you tomorrow." Kili said softly. I saw him nod, and he went out the door. Before he left, he locked eyes with me.

"It'll be okay, Iridian. We've got you."

"And I you." I mumbled back. He nodded, the door closing. There was silence, and it was deafening. I hated it, and it only reminded me of the silence after the battle. I felt panic seep into my bones again. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the ringing. But the ringing turned into shouting, screaming, steel on steel. My knees gave out, a whimpering sound escaping my mouth.

"Men metup. Iridian. Hey. It's alright. It's over." He said with urgency. It sounded far away, amidst the screams. "That battle is over. Everything is done. We won. We're safe." I knew it was in my head, but that didn't stop it. If anything, that made it worse. Because it was in my head, there was nowhere to run. I tried to pull back, to get away, but something stopped me.

Hands grabbed my face, forcing me to face deep eyes. Eyes that reflected my own pain. I grabbed his wrists, gripping them tight. Tears fell from my eyes, and Kili swiped them away. "Listen to me. Get out of your head, and just listen to me." Slowly, very slowly, the sounds of a battle dropped from my mind. "There you go. It's alright. We're far away from that. We're at home. We've reclaimed Erebor, and everything will come back to normal. You're alright. I'm alright. Fili's okay, and Dwalin, and everyone."

"But not Thorin." I choked out as tears slid down my cheeks. He wiped them away again.

"He will be. You're brilliant, and you know what to do." He whispered. I yanked away from his grip. He reached out, his eyes pained at my actions. "Iri-"

"Kili I don't know! I don't actually know if I can save Thorin. That was a fatal wound! I don't know if I can do this! If I choke on that spell, then he could die! I could die! If I mess this up, and even if I don't, I could die because I am not elvish! I don't know anymore!" I said, panic rising in my voice. My voice was almost a scream. I dropped to my knees, a choking sob ripping through my throat.

I could only hope those stone walls were soundproof. My hands gripped my hair tight, and it was all I could do as the sounds of battle slammed into my head. I wanted to be dead. I didn't want to live with the guilt of being alive while everyone else was dead. I couldn't see our home anymore. I saw the ground painted in blood and bodies piled on top of one another. "Make it stop!" I shouted, trying to get away. The worst part, there was no way to escape what your mind creates.

Kili grabbed me, wrapping his arms around my knee and back. I clung to his tunic, as though he was the only thing keeping me here. He was. His steps were hurried as he headed into our room. He sat down on our bed, pulling me into his lap. I couldn't stop the wracking sobs from my body. "I can't do this." I gasped out.